My husband has just informed me that if I climb on any more platforms I am going to suffer altitude sickness. I think I'll be okay because I don't think I'm particularly susceptible to this. I base my diagnosis on the fact that years ago I trekked though the Himalayas in Nepal, and coped just fine. I will admit to about of the giggles when my group reached Thangboche, our 'base camp' from where we were afforded a magnificent view of Mt Everest. I think the rarified air finally got me then. I recall giggling like a school girl over a picture of One Direction (as a middle aged women I just roll my eyes at them). I recall sitting on the ground and laughing - possibly also with relief at having arrived there - and then my friend decided to upturn a large rock, only to uncover the spot where someone had defecated previously. But back to my platform. Sit back, blog-browser, as I treat you to my manifesto on why the Liberal Party sucks so much. What it boils down to, really, is their shit policies and the party members who are quite possibly the most miserable and lousy monsters to hold a constituency.
1. I will start with Scott Morrison. Yesterday I read about the female asylum seekers (NOT illegals!) being doled out sanitary products a couple at a time, and they are therefore required to continually ask guards for pads or tampons, like a Dickensian orphan in the workhouse. In fairness, this wretched procedure was also in place under the previous Labor government. How shall I put this? This. Sucks. Camels'. Balls. This is utterly unfair, and possibly belittling and humiliating for the women. I know women should not be ashamed of menstruation, but these women are possibly from cultures that render them shy about seeking sanitary products. It would be nice to approach Morrison and snarl, 'Give 'us a pad before I bleed on your feet!'. The organisation Destroy the Joint has started a protest which requests us to send our pads and tampons (UNUSED, PLEASE!) direct to Scott Morrison. Truly, I cannot recall having been so angry in a long time when I read about this policy. Something to consider: women living in close quarters tend to synchronise menstrual cycles, so are likely to all have PMS at the same time. Maybe some of these ministers should be shoved into a room with all these women approximately two days before their due date. Anyway, I'm going up to Woollies soon to get something for dinner, so I might just add a great big box of pads (known as 'surfboards' at my old school) to the shopping list.
2. Corey Bernardi. Dude, please. Just stop. Do you REALLY believe some women use abortion as an 'abhorrent method of birth control'? I might just read your book 'The Conservative Revolution' because I need a good laugh occasionally. The title sounds like an oxymoron. Stop crapping on and criticising families that aren't in the traditional structure. There's no one size fits all, and kids raised in single parent households are not necessarily likely to commit crimes, okay?
3. Julie Bishop, who has apparently indicated she may pursue the legal costs funded by the taxpayer for Greenpeace activist Colin Russell. Why shouldn't an Aussie have consular assistance when in trouble? Is this a pattern from the predecessor Johnny Howard who when the Libs last ran the place was more than happy to let an Australian citizen sit in a gaol cell for several years without consular access?
4. Colin Barnett - premier of WA. Guys, WHY do you want to cull the sharks in the water? Why are you not listening to environmentalists about the folly of this action? If a person is going to swim in the ocean, they are going into shark's territory. Why do I have to write this down? I thought everybody KNEW that! If I am sitting at home one night, and happen to be the victim of a home invasion by a shark who has somehow make its way into my lounge room, I might be able to understand the point of a cull. If a shark gets past all the clutter my children leave on the floor, more power to it, I guess.
As Shakespeare might it: fie on them, and a pox on their houses! Still, for a satirist, they're the gift that keeps on giving.
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