Pillocks, Penuriousness, and Heads Shaped like Amphoras

 From the Dumb Shit I've Read Today files: a petition to the Australian Senate seeking, inter alia, that the military service of Ben Roberts-Smith be recognised and he be given due process.

Um, I had better type this slowly and loudly: HE IS BEING GIVEN DUE PROCESS! And I will continue to type slowly, whilst wondering can AI help me put in a bouncing ball graphic to help people at home reading along: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THE AUSTRALIAN SENATE CAN DO?

My tetchiness arises from the emotive posts appearing in my news feed. He is a war hero, they cry. This is costing millions in legal costs and associated costs and coffee runs and those pre-packaged sandwiches in the vending machines, they moan. Oh, and 'they' includes clowns like Pauline Hanson, Malcolm Roberts, and Gina Rinehart. 

I am not going to speculate or comment on the possible outcome of a matter that is sub judice. What I will say is:

1. Due process is being followed insofar at court procedure is concerned. He's been charged with offences under the criminal code that are to be dealt with in the civilian criminal court.

2. His military service is being recognised everywhere you freaking well look! You can't turn around without bumping into or barking your shin on a post about "our heroes." However, his service does not preclude him from being subject to the rule of law. The law applies to everybody or nobody. BRS is not above the law. That also means he is entitled to the protections of the law, which means he is at this stage presumed innocent until proven otherwise.

3. The Senate can do fuck-all about the court process. Our parliamentary and judicial powers are kept separate for very good reason.

4. Yeah, it's probably a bummer for him that he was arrested in front of his children. However, he's not the first person to have been arrested in front of his kids. 

5. What does it matter if there is cost involved in pursuing justice? We are talking JUSTICE. There is a saying: Not only must justice be done; it must be SEEN to be done. If that means some dosh gets expended in its pursuit, then so be it. And why are you bleating about the apparent 300 million dollars this has cost, Gina Rinehart? You've probably got 300 million dollars in spare change squashed down the back of your couch. Rancorous old bag of penuriousness. Haven't you got a function at Mar-a-Lago to attend?

6. Malcolm Roberts and Pauline Hanson: you're both a pair of pillocks. Support and believe in whomever you want, but at least familiarise yourself on the principle and reason for rule of law.

I found something else in the Dumb Shit I've Read Today files - although technically I first read it the other day; however, it's popped up and bobbing around like a turd that won't flush. Ironic, given it's subject matter is former PM Tony Abbott. He's saying that we should support the US in its conflict with Iran. Why does this amphora-headed ninny think his view holds weight? We are talking about a person who wanted to bestow a knighthood upon Prince Phillip! 

Hopefully, the world will calm down soon. I doubt it. 

Mephistopheles and Mirrors

 I've spent a few hours today watching some episodes of Dynasty: The Murdochs on Netflix and wondering when is that scabrous old fuck Rupert going to cark it. He's probably entered some Faustian bargain, which seems difficult since he's also the embodiment of Mephistopheles. It's kind of like the miller's daughter and Rumpelstiltskin turning out to be one and the same, only with a biased media corporation whose minions think it's okay to hack the voicemail of murdered kids, rather than some old turd of a king who expects straw to be spun into gold. I'm no alchemist, but I'm pretty sure you can't turn straw into gold. 

I've also been wondering whether there are any mirrors in the White House. What's aroused my curiosity is the mind-bogglingly ludicrous rant posted by Trump on his favourite social media platform wherein he described Bruce Springsteen as resembling "a dried up prune." No, I'm not making that up. Nobody who resembles a desiccated cumquat topped by a thatch of dried corn silk would have the temerity to compare another human being to a piece of dried fruit if said cumquat had access to a working mirror. From this, I can only assume there are no clean or functional mirrors in the White House. 

I am also wondering if there should be some kind of training course for incumbent presidents of the US, one that features a unit on how to cope if an artist expresses disapproval of you. I can suggest this rudimentary lesson:

1. Remember you are supposed to be a world leader and have more pressing issues about which to be concerned.

2. If you're going to sook about it in an unprofessional and hypocritical manner, resign your position because you are clearly unsuited if you cannot handle another person's opinion of you. 

3. Change your tampon. 

4. Avoid posting petty whines on social media. This does not matter if you are sitting up in a four-poster bed, sitting behind your desk, or sitting on a gold-plated toilet: just do not do this. *

5. Resign anyway. You are a bloated moribund sunfish, with the IQ and emotional intelligence of said creature. 

* Gold for a toilet? Maybe that imp from the Brothers Grimm could come in handy after all; just bring along a bale of hay.

Anyway, I might crank up some Springsteen now.

Today's Little Rant

 Thought I might do a brief rant. There are so many things about which to rant and I'm sure I'm in the same dark and worried place as many others, as we watch with vacillating bouts of disbelief, rage, and distress at the events taking place in the Middle East. The human cost (what was it; 170 school girls?) is sickening. The lack of responsibility and doubling down from people who possess the intelligence, diplomatic know-how, and empathy of a discarded snake skin is even more sickening.

Attacking an oil-rich region has the other obvious effect, obvious even to a person like me who sneakily read MAD Magazine during Year 9 Commerce (and in a turn of irony, has now found herself teaching Year 9 Commerce in a relief role). That effect begins at the bowser, where I put in half a tank and nearly shit where I was standing when I saw the price. Yeah, people aren't inclined to sail their tankers of oil when there is imminent danger, and that leads to less oil for us, which in turn leads to prices going through the ozone layer.

But what's really boiled my piss today is reading that a certain person with access to nuclear codes has admonished those controlling the needed oil tankers for not transporting the resource, telling them to "show some guts." Yeah, well, he sure shows some guts: spilling over the waist band of his golf pants in a cushiony pudgy series of white blobs that look like a mass of the expanding foam I used to plug up the holes in my bathroom wall before it was renovated. 

Yeah, he said for them to "show some guts" and they have "nothing to be afraid of." Hmmmm. I dunno. Concerns about collapsed lungs, internal injuries, or even death from overhead missiles sound like a pretty valid fear to me. 

It's all very well and good for a bloated blowhard to goad from the safety of a distance of some 11,000 kilometres, but the Safety of Life at Sea Convention and International Safety Management Code probably carry more credence to the captains of the tankers than some blathering bloated cumquat.

So what to do in the meantime? How to stay sane? I've been playing a bit of New York Dolls lately. Anyone who knows me well knows I am partial to some early Seventies punk that hints at glam metal, with androgynous looking musos who ooze dangerous petulant sexuality. Next time I'm covering a class and there's free time, I might put Looking for a Kiss on YouTube instead of the Ed Sheeran I often get asked to play ("Oh, Miss must have pressed the wrong video. Let's have a look at this one and see what you think.").

Bugging

 Today's little list is titled What's Bugging Me Today. Shall we begin?

1. The unvarying playlists of AM radio. I'm of an age group and genre preference that leans itself towards AM radio. However, AM radio is often mired in a stagnant pool of the same old songs that are looped in a fug of tedium. I do a bit of driving with my job and listen to the radio, and I can bet a bodily organ that on any given day I will hear Copperhead Road by Steve Earle. I am sick of the lugubrious narrative of some embittered cracker whose family business entailed brewing rocket-fuel quality alcohol. 

After I have had my teeth set on edge by Earle, my spirits will plunge when Fast Car by Tracy Chapman gets its daily spin. I really like Tracy's voice and think she's a wonderful lyricist, but this song depresses the living snot out of me. 

2. Checking the news and hearing about the cockamamie ramblings and tomfoolery of some senile cretin who has the temperament of a spoiled toddler, yet who scarily has access to nuclear codes. He treats geopolitics like a game of Monopoly and he's the type who would flip the board if he loses. He's just held a conference wherein he displayed some book of supposed achievements, like a primary schooler showing good work at weekly school assembly, and proclaimed the US to be the "hottest country" (in what context? Dumpster fire?). Every time he appears to have annihilated his career for sure with some risible logical fallacy, and you think it's over and you can breathe a sigh of relief, he returns with a level of offensive nonsense that even deeper plumbs the murky depths of Lake Offensive Nonsense. It's like the phoenix rising from the ashes, except in this time the rejuvenant firebird has apparently emerged from a pile of Dorito dust. 

Anyway, it felt good to vent and write. 

First Post for 2026!

 When the new year begins, it is common to reflect upon the year just gone. As I greet 2026 and ruminate upon 2025, there are two standouts for me: firstly, the finalisation of my Bachelor of Education; and secondly, competing as a grand finalist on Mastermind Australia. The support from my friends and family, as well as the local community, certainly warmed the cockles of this cynical woman's heart. But there are some things I feel I must clarify.

Most of you are familiar with the Back to the Future trilogy. Well, Thomas F Wilson, the actor who portrayed the thuggish bully Biff Tannen, found himself the recipient of the same questions. I will grant that an actor in a major film series has likely received more attention and repetitive questions than an unknown woman who has appeared on a national quiz show, but cut me some slack here, okay? Wilson has channeled his comedic and musical talents into a ditty whose refrain is "Stop asking me the question", and includes lyrics such as "What's Michael J Fox like? He's nice" and "Was that real manure? No, it wasn't."  I don't mind being asked questions, and I enjoy receiving warm wishes, but some of the comments I have received from community members I don't know well are somewhat doltish.

Anyway, whilst I do not intend to pen and sing a song, I thought it might be fun to type a list of answers to common questions and observations:

1. Mark Fennell is very nice.

2. Yes, I was very nervous.

3. Yes, I did think I could go that far. *

4. No, I was not ripped off on the question about Cabbage Patch Kids. **

5. No, I do not think I copped really lengthy questions during general knowledge, thus not having enough time to give as many correct answers, juxtaposed by other contestants receiving really short questions and more opportunities for points. ***

6. What the fuck does the fact that I'm a country girl have to do with anything? ****

* I had as much chance as anyone else and I don't buy into false modesty ("Oh, I never thought little old me could get that far!" - gimme a break!).

** The question required 'Kids' in the answer. Those insufferably kitsch dolls from the Eighties were officially Cabbage Patch Kids. I didn't say 'kids' in the studio. I might have KNOWN the answer but I didn't GIVE the answer. Therein lies the difference. Da rulez is da rulez. I was annoyed at MYSELF, but I do not believe that I was in any way gypped a point.

*** Seriously, get the tin foil off your head. 

**** Someone with whom I am peripherally acquainted said to me words to the following effect: "Not bad for a girl from the bush!" I regarded this person with a look that incorporated my incredulity and contemptuousness at such a disrespectful trope, then asked did he think women from small rural towns are stupid (in defence of my apparent snarkiness, this person has subjected me to hamfisted and unwanted comments in the past). In case nobody realises, we country girls can learn via reading, viewing, listening, or osmosis just as well as the next person. 

I guess the lesson from this post is try not to dim someone's shine, whether that shine comes from a competition or something as commonplace as changing a tyre for the first time.

Happy New Year!

My Message to Armchair Experts

 As I scroll through my news feed in the wake of the unspeakable attack in Bondi last Sunday, I see many (mainly US) posts asking questions or giving advice, most of which are from oxygen-thieving muttonheads giving their flawed (read: 'bullshit') armchair expertise from the safety of their keyboards, beanbags, and mummy's basement. I have some answers for you:

How's that gun ban thing working for you? Hur-hur-hur! Guns aren't actually 'banned' in Australia. You are allowed to own one. Gun ownership is regulated. Your government probably regulates women's bodies more than our government regulates gun owners. And given this is Australia's first real mass shooting since the Port Arthur massacre of 1996, then statistics indicate the gun regulation is working pretty well. I cannot fathom why people would ask this question in a facetious mocking tone, particularly when it seems you can't go a week without  hearing about a mass shooting in the US. 

The shooter could have been stopped by a good guy with a gun. Huh? How many "good guys with guns", and I'm talking civilians, have stopped the "bad guys" in mass shootings across the pond? And are we living in an episode of Gunsmoke? Our "good guys" have been known to fight off attackers with plastic milkcrates and jars of Nescafe 43 coffee, so fuck off with that asinine narrative. 

The guy should have shot the shooter, but didn't, so more people were injured/killed. Oh, fuck right off again. The guy, Ahmed El-Ahmed (and my hat is off to you, sir), did not shoot at the killer. We don't know why. Maybe the weapon was empty. Maybe it's not in his DNA to shoot an unarmed person. We don't know. We do know that he is a very brave person who sustained injuries. It's easy to be an armchair expert and give criticism, but those who have done so would shit where they're standing at the notion of doing what Ahmed did.

The policewoman froze/the cops did nothing. The photo that's doing the rounds is a female police woman exercising crowd control to keep people away from the scene, not a person 'freezing' or doing nothing throughout the melee. Also, did someone say "Ulvade"? Hmmmm?

You naysaying, nitpicking, armchair critics might want to look around and sit this one out, okay?

The Joyless Division

 If I were on a twenty-plus hour flight, I know I would be comfortably dressed. I would probably exit the aircraft in trackie daks and a t-shirt. Our prime minister did this the other day. I have no issue with that. Nor do I have issue with the t-shirt he wore, one emblazoned with the name of a post-punk band whose style could be described as some kind of new wave gothic rock. A band who were led by a singer with a predilection for lyrics as deep as his his baritone voice, and one who would occasionally take epileptic seizures on stage. Maybe his condition influenced his bizarre dance moves. Or maybe not; my younger son has epilepsy and is a fantastic dancer. Sadly, this singer was also a very tortured young man who took his life at just twenty-three. RIP, Ian Curtis. 

But I digress.

This band, if you've been under a rock, was named Joy Division (later known as New Order). And yes, that is the band t-shirt worn by Prime Minister Albanese. You are doubtlessly aware, thanks to the shrieking and chest-beating and pearl-clutching by a bunch of malcontents (many of whom seem to be employed by the Murdoch media), that he is wearing a t-shirt with reference to the book House of the Dolls, which describes the practice of Nazis using Jewish women as sex slaves as 'joy division.'

The loudest of the bleaters appears to be opposition leader Sussan Ley, who adopted a second 's' into her given name for whatever reason, and is bliSSfully unaware that she has unwittingly incorporated the initials of Hitler's paramilitary Schultzstaffel into her name. Some would say she is a complete aSS. She is that and so much more. On the off-chance you're reading this, Sussan: what's it like to be a total fucking git?

And Sky News (news? bahbahahahahahahahahahahahaha!) journalist (journalist? Again, I say: bahbahahahahahahahahahahahaha) Sharri Markson has made reference to it being Day 3 of 't-shirt gate' (yeah, you read that right), with Albo yet to apologise. 

Um, apologise for what? Wearing a BAND T-SHIRT? Do you clowns truly think he is espousing antisemitic and sexual abuse? Seriously, what ails people?

That resounding TWAAAANNNNNNNNGGGGGG we will soon hear is the breaking point in the tension of the twine on the long bow being drawn by clowns like SuSSan.

Albo wore a t-shirt supporting a band with a conflagratory name. That is all. Nothing to see here, folks. Gee, anyone would think he did something lousy like fuck off to Hawaii while the country was burning (hey, SuSSan, wasn't that your party's former leader?).