'
The red markings are my additions because I wanted to draw your eye immediately to the glaring atrocities in this, um, work. I discovered this ham-fisted erotica courtesy of a Twitter account I follow which is dedicated to bad writing by men about female characters. Some of their postings I actually disagree with, but others are total eye-rollers, and this had my eyes rolling into another dimension. Anyway, let's work our way through in a linear fashion, top-to-bottom, as per my notes.
1. Kaley's mom came an hour after we finished eating. Um, what? Yeah, I know; puerile double entendre on my part, and all that jazz.
2. I took off … watching television. Whilst a lack of commas can set a certain tone in a passage (such as exasperation or urgency), there are times when they are needed. Don't be afraid to use a comma if you're not trying to give an air of urgency to your narrative voice. Commas make sentences less frustrating to read and also help clarify the sentence's intention. Y'see, the problem with the subject sentence is there are other possible interpretations, such as the couch being the thing wearing undies, or the undies are watching television. Structure and commas matter, people.
3. Several questions … relax'. New idea, new speaker: NEW PARAGRAPH!!!
4. Settle down Susan. It's called the vocative comma, and is to be used whenever a character is being personally addressed, such as in this case when the antagonist (Mark from accounts class) is addressing the protagonist (Susan). Without it, this phrase could be interpreted as a direction to settle or calm a crying baby named Susan. Anyway, the prose in this passage is beyond stupid; it's plain fucking woeful.
5. He walked aplomb...People don't walk aplomb. Aplomb refers to a person's self-confidence in a tricky situation, not his or her gait. People can walk 'with' aplomb. Reading about someone walking aplomb made me almost snort my morning cup of tea out my nose.
6. Running vagina. Quick! Catch it before it runs onto the road and causes an accident!
7. Long-shaved legs. Mate, this is NOT how hyphens work. I'm guessing Susan has long legs, and they are shaved. The misuse of the hyphen here gives the interpretation that she has been shaving her legs for a very long time, and as a technique for inspiring arousal in the reader, it fails dismally. Nobody cares if Susan has been shaving her legs since she was relatively young. Does making the legs shaved make the story all the more sexy, or should Susan have had her legs waxed instead? Now, if it was a depilatory cream that rendered those pins hair-free: whooooo-doggy! (*fans self*). In case I need to spell it out, those last few sentences are my attempt at sarcasm.
I forgot to underline it, but what on Earth is a 'panty'?
Other people commenting on the Twitter thread took umbrage to the entire predicate of Mark from accounts class (and accountants have a reputation for being staid and boring!) entering Susan's room uninvited in this predatory manner. I actually have no issue with this, although it's not my bag at all. It's erotic fantasy - well, SOMEONE'S erotic fantasy, anyway - and I do not believe in kink-shaming. Do what you want, but don't do it in public to an unconsenting audience because you will frighten everyone.
Whoever wrote this is trying to inspire sexual arousal in the reader, but the atrocious writing just renders this piece about as erotic as a love bite on a turd.
To whomever wrote this festering tripe: please stop.
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