I'm of that generation that devoured novels by VC Andrews throughout our late teens and early twenties. Who else enjoyed with guilt the vicious cruelty of the four Dollanganger/Foxworth children's family in Flowers in the Attic, a novel with themes that only differed from those in Deliverance by the absence of banjos in the background and the presence of teeth in the characters? Some of the works, penned by ghostwriters after Andrews' death, had Byzantine plots and seriously annoying characters. In this instance, I'm thinking of the Casteel family, whose protagonist Heaven Leigh (say it quickly and feel your eyes roll) is one of the most irritating paradigms of piss-elegance ever to grace a page. SPOILER ALERT: she borrows from the Flowers in the Attic series and dresses like her mother to freak out her father, which distracts him while he's - get this - working as a lion tamer in a circus. Disaster ensues. Also, she takes it upon herself to water the plants when she's awaiting an interview for a girl's school. People like this annoy me: they're not your plants; leave them the fuck alone! I once had a flatmate whose girlfriend would water the plants when she dropped by. God, she pissed me off.
Anyway, I got thinking about Andrews' well-known Southern Gothic masterpiece (if that word applies), My Sweet Audrina. I read this when I was a teenager in the Eighties, and years later, I still think it is jam-packed full with the most fucked up characters in the one book. If you've read it, I would love a comment here on your opinion on who is the villain in this book. Vera is the obvious choice, but I think she's running neck-and-neck with Damien (aka Papa). Anyway, hereunder I submit my reasons for why the characters in this book are assholes and fuck-ups. As before, there are SPOILERS.
1. Audrina. I know she is a product of her environment, but she's annoying. The way she craps on about the chameleon quality of her hair (and her mother's) is so irritating. Does anybody's hair really change from flaxen to chestnut without a packet of Loreal?
2. Lucietta (Audrina's mother). She's a flip who went along with screwing up her daughter's mind after she was gangraped on her ninth birthday. She also lies around reading soft-porn romances and stuffing her face with chocolates, having given up a potential career as a pianist. Oh, and has mock weekly afternoon teas with her sister as they communicate through a portrait of another sister, who was apparently cooked and eaten by cannibals when working as a missionary in the jungle. Yeah, I know. The bourbon flows along with the spiteful insults as Lucietta and her sister do their best to antagonise each other.
3. Elsbeth (Lucietta's sister and Audrina's aunt). She's unpleasant and bitter, but I think she's reacting to the crappy hand life dealt her. Let's face it, being treated like a servant in your ancestral home by the guy you once loved and who decided to dump you when you were pregnant and marry your younger sister must suck somewhat.
4. Arden (Audrina's childhood friend and eventual husband). He's just a turd who shagged Vera (more about her soon) whilst Audrina was in a coma. And before Audrina was in a coma, for that matter. He was also willing to pull the plug while she was comatose.
5. Vera (Elsbeth's daughter and Audrina's cousin, whom we later learn is - courtesy of Damien's dalliance with Elspbeth - Audrina's half-sister!). She was probably the most interesting character in this book. She was incremental in what happened to Audrina in the woods, so she's definitely a villain in the piece. She also appropriated Lucietta's dirty books after Lucietta's death (I warned you there were spoilers) and rubbed one out as Audrina was watching. Another great moment was miscarrying on an expensive rug and throwing a clot of dead fetus at her mother's apron.
6. Damien (Lucietta's husband, Elsbeth's former lover, Audrina's father, and as it turns out, Vera's father. Also Sylvia's father, but more about her soon). Okay, where to begin? He dumped a pregnant woman, married and impregnated her sister, and took over the home like it was his own. He refuses to acknowledge Vera as his daughter, perpetuates patriarchal and sexist ideals, and fetishises virginity and sexuality in females, particularly his daughters. He manipulates every woman within a fifty mile radius. He convinced Audrina sex was evil, so much so, she could never respond to her husband (except when she wanted to win him back from Vera, so maybe this was Audrina's kink? If so, Andrews never explored this in the novel, which is kind of a shame). He subjected Audrina to electric shock therapy. He forces her to practise some kind of trauma memory recovery in a rocking chair. He entrusts Audrina with the care of her younger sister Sylvia who has intellectual disability - Audrina is about eleven at the time, mind you. He tells Audrina when Sylvia is older, if she goes to a special home, 'some boy will take her virginity' (again with the virginity, you creepy fuck?) and if Sylvia falls pregnant, then that child becomes Audrina's responsibility, too. He also banged his son-in-law's mother, who looks like Elizabeth Taylor, were Liz a double amputee above the knees. This book truly has fucked up scenarios and Damien is the type of sleazoid monster who should be yeeted into the sun.
7. Lamar. Audrina's piano teacher who, when aged about twenty-six, shagged Vera who was about fifteen. Slime.
8. Billie (Arden's mother). Billie is not an annoying character, per se. She's probably the most sensible one of the lot, and she's had to deal with the amputation of her legs owing to diabetes, after a stellar career as a figure skater. These trials pale in comparison to having her son marry into Audrina's family and her subsequent seduction by the manipulative Damien.
9. Sylvia (Audrina's younger sister). Lucietta died giving birth to Sylvia, who has severe intellectual disability. She's not as annoying as the other characters, but she does get hold of glass prisms and uses them to dazzle everyone and just might have pushed some characters down the stairs.
Yes, there is clearly a plethora of fucked up characters in this book. For what it's worth, the writing isn't terrible by any means. But the characters out-fuck-up anything else I've ever read. They make the incestuous brother and sister in Hotel New Hampshire, and the woman who dresses as a bear, seem normal.
Come to think of it, it's been years since I read Hotel New Hampshire, and John Irving is one of my favourite authors. I guess I know what I will be reading when I next have a holiday.
