Rusty Ideas

Dear Celebrities,

Please spare us your New Age, crack-brained, half-arsed, cockheaded directives on the raising of our children.

Yours sincerely,
Everybody Who Actually Lives In The Real World

If you're wondering what's inspired me to write this heartfelt, gut-wrenching, bowel-loosening plea, it's Russell Brand. I've just read that he has called for the banning of tickling children.  He supposedly said it should be illegal, unless the child is old enough to give consent. I don't think anybody would actually willingly give consent to be tickled; it's extremely annoying.

But what is also extremely annoying is celebrity advice. Who among you parents reading this hasn't given your little one a tickle when playing? I have lost track of the times my oldest would hold out his hand and beg in his cherubic, piping voice, 'Round and round the garden, Mummy!' If you've forgotten this childhood classic, you trace the kid's palm with your fingertip as you intone: 'Round and round the garden, like a teddy bear...' then you touch two points on the kid's arm, second one higher than the other as you say: 'One step, two step...', and then it's all-out war on the armpit as you cry: 'Tickle under there!' My son would giggle delightfully, and we bonded beautifully over this silly, yet sweet nursery game. It lost its lustre when I would be sitting on the toilet, with my son calling plaintively through the locked door, 'Round and round the garden, Mummy! Round and round the garden, Mummy!'

Brand has said he would assault someone who tickled his kids. I can kind of understand this, as I would not have wanted someone just touching my kids, either. I recall when my youngest was about six months old, and he was propped up in his pram as we waited in the doctor's surgery (it might have been for his regular infancy check-up). Some old dude chortled to him, 'How's it going there, young fella?', and poked him with the end of his walking stick, whereupon my baby started to wail. I snapped at the old man, 'Nice one! How would YOU like some huge person to poke you with a stick?', and scooped up my wailing infant and shushed him.

Like I said, I really hate being tickled. But I'm not going to call for a ban on it. If the kid giggles and likes it, and the parent is okay with it, then c'est la vie.

I am recalling an occasion in my early-twenties, when a guy I was dating started tickling my feet. I angrily told him to stop. He didn't understand I actually meant it, or else he was a complete clod who thought I was playing some No Means Yes game. I instinctively kicked out, and my heel got him in the scrotal sac - hard. It had not been intended on my part, but I was not apologetic. All I said was, 'I told you to stop, didn't I?' That relationship did not last.

But can celebrities please just fuck off and go away? Between Gwyneth Paltrow espousing the benefits of steaming the vagina (which is a self-cleansing organ, Gwynnie, you insipid bone-bag), and Rusty here giving out parenting and potential legislative advice, colonisation on Mars is starting to look good.