Moss Gathering

This is a letter to Ron Moss aka Ridge in The Bold & The Beautiful, and also a member of the band that sang that sappy Baby, Come Back number (not to be confused with the awesome Eddy Grant & The Equals' number that goes: 'Come back/Baby, come back...' - check it out, and check out a later clip of Eddy performing it. There's much to be said for a ripped West Indian dude with dreadlocks).

But I digress.

I saw Ron on Sunrise this morning - yes, yes; I know I'm dancing with the Devil and setting myself up for aggravation by viewing morning television - and he gave an interview via satellite from premises I believe to be his home. In his arms he was holding what appeared to be a thyroidal, hirsute lab rat, which I soon realised was his pet dog, Mr Prince. What has Ron upset is that he will not be allowed to bring Mr Prince with him to Australia on his pending visit. I daresay the quarantine process we have here will disrupt his itinerary.

Ron gave a fatuous interview and put forward a facile argument to support his claims the mutt should be allowed here. I'm referring to it as a 'mutt' because I'm extremely irritated; I happen to adore dogs as a rule.

Again, I digress.  So, here goes:

Dear Ron Moss,

Some will have sympathy for you wanting to bring your dog here. I have a little sympathy, because I love dogs, too. I have two such furbabies.

However, as you have noticed, we have very stringent quarantine laws here. I will take the opportunity to congratulate you on having carried out pre-travel research, which your fellow actor Johnny Depp apparently chose to not do, thus resulting in him bringing in his two dogs and being embroiled in a global stink of such magnitude I thought World War III was imminent.

We don't have rabies in Australia. We'd like to keep it that way. Allowing your dog to just come here has the potential to compromise our biodiversity, and we take this very seriously. Our farmers are doing it very tough because Australia has been squeezed mercilessly by a vicious drought, so as you can imagine, they don't need more shit if your dog brings in a disease. We don't care if you think your dog is pristine; we're not taking the risk.

Your argument that our country already has ninety-eight per cent of fauna that will kill immediately doesn't wash. Our fauna is SUPPOSED to be here; your dog ISN'T, capiche? This argument has all the impact of using a fleck of confetti to staunch the diarrhoetic flow from an elephant's arse.

The information you gave that the dog has 10,000-plus Instagram followers is seriously off the planet, mate. You will find this is the sort of thing about which Australians are totally incapable of giving a fuck. That the dog has so many followers on a social media is a sad indictment on our society.

You need to get two things: (1) a dog- and or house-sitter; and (2) over yourself.

Either follow correct quarantine procedure, or leave the dog at home.

We don't care about your dog.

Yours,

Australia.