Wednesday, 13 February 2019

My Hilarious Valentine

Has anyone ever engaged in the frivolous fun of playing Never Have I Ever? It's where you tell a group of people something about yourself, to wit, something you have never done that most of the planet appear to have indulged in at some time or another. With me, it's usually watched an episode of Game of Thrones.  The other activity I don't tend to engage in is celebrate Valentine's Day, which falls today.

My reason for not celebrating this matyred saint is not because I'm a miserable reviler of romance, nor am I a rebel against the commercialisation of the day. No, it's because my birthday falls two days earlier and I celebrate my birthday instead. So yeah, it was my birthday a couple of days ago. I have successfully completed another orbit of the Sun.

But my Facebook music group is having a laugh today, and we are posting the love songs that make us want to puke. I'm going to have a field day, because there are very few love songs that don't make me want to send the contents of my stomach flying across the room in a chunky-textured, multicoloured cascade that looks like a waterfall painted by Dali. For laffs and yucks, here's a sample of what's been posted:

1. Lovin' You by Minnie Ripperton. This was my choice, and oh my giddy aunt, it's a cracker of a Shit Song. I will own that Minnie had a beautiful voice, but - with pleas to my giddy aunt again - this song is an emetic on a musical stave! She does that high squeal thing, and the budgie falls from its perch, bleeding from the ears. What's with the loopy lyrics: 'Everytime that we ooooh/I'm more in love with you.'  What is 'ooooh'?  ('Not much on telly tonight, love. Feel like some ooooh?').

2. Eternal Flame by The Bangles. This is barfous offering. I don't like anything by this lot, but this just gets up my nose.

3. I Willl Always Love You by Whitney Houston. It's so overblown, and that refrain of 'And EYE-YI-YI-YI-YI will always love YOU-OOO-OOOO-OOOOO-OOOOO!' hits you in the head like a wrecking ball, and makes you wonder if all the diphthongs have gathered somewhere nearby for their annual picnic.

4. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. I usually rather like Aerosmith, but this is flesh-crawlingly creepy. It sounds like its being sung by a guy who'd slaughter you and wear your skin for a shirt.

5. Love And Other Bruises by Air Supply. It is a truth universally acknowledged (well, in MY universe, anyway) that any song by Air Suppy will see me run screaming for the hills. But this song in particular sucks balls. It sounds like a paean to spousal abuse (not that they can't write about that because no subject should be off limits for a work of art), but what really grinds my gears is the goofy lyric, 'As the ice melts into snow...'.  Whaaaaat? Ice is a solid state of matter. Snow is another solid state of matter. If a solid melts, it melts into a liquid. It doesn't melt into another solid. Get in the bin, guys.

Well, I must be off to do some other things now, like go to the gym and organise some tutoring lessons. Reader, if you're wondering what you can do to help me celebrate my recent birthday, how about purchasing my books and thus contributing to a nice royalty cheque, which would be a delightful birthday present in due, belated course.

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