But these days we have different persistent pests, and they usually take the form of telemarketers, or even worse, telephone scammers. Is YOUR home plagued by these persistent pests? Well, relax, because your blogger has come up with the perfect solution to deal with them. The scammer is usually recognisable by a few seconds delay after you answer your phone, and what is a heavy accent from the south-eastern region of Asia. It's distinct traits are its propensity to identify itself as a technician with Telstra and inform you there are potential security problems with your computer's Internet. Hanging up doesn't work - well, it might but it's not as much fun - so what you should do is what I did yesterday with one. The scene played out as follows, after the scammer identified himself as technician and I had told him I was in front of my computer (I wasn't. I was lounging in a chair stuffing my face):
Scammer: Can you see the Ctrl key, madam?
Me: Yes.
Scammer: Can you see the windows key next to it?
Me: Yes.
Scammer: I need for you to press those keys and the 'R' key at the same time.
Me: Okay. HOLY CRAP!
Scammer: Can you tell me what is on your screen, madam?
Me: Porn!
Scammer: What?
Me: Porn! I did what you told me, and all this filthy footage appeared!
Scammer: What footage, madam?
Me: I told you, it's porn! And that's your mother with a camel!'
Scammer: Can you close that window, madam?
Me: Why? It's interesting. Your mother's really giving it to that camel.
(Sound of phone being handed over, and a different, although similarly accented voice is heard)
New Scammer: This is Steve Johnson, senior technician. What is the problem?
Me (resisting urge to point out he sounds more like a Sanjay than a Steve because that's buying into stereotypes, and I am nothing if not sensitive and broadminded): I did what the other guy told me and all this disgusting porn appeared on my computer.
Scammer: Close that window, madam.
Me: No way!
(Silence, and then sound of disconnected call).
.
See? It's easy to get rid of those pests. At one point throughout this interchange, Mr Bingells hissed at me to hang up. Obviously I did not; I left that to the scammer. I then pointed out to Mr Bingells that whilst I am stringing these grubs along, I am (1) running up THEIR bill, and (2) even better, they are not bothering a person who might be vulnerable if they are wasting their time with me. This is a public service. Besides, doing this is as funny as fuck.
My oldest son has told me that as a writer I should come up with a different scenario when they ring, but telling some grubby would-be con artist his mother is engaging in interspecies erotica is seriously fun. I might tell the next one I can see HIS private videos that he made with his sister.
My younger son wants to be put on to try and outwit the scammer next time. He wants to pretend to be a scammer. He has demonstrated what he will say, and being a good actor he produces a very creditable Indian accent. Watching Raj in countless, on-a-loop repeats of 'Big Bang' has paid off. I look forward to him having some fun.
Does anyone remember a song from mid-Eighties by an outfit known as Rockwell called 'Somebody's Watching Me'? I've got it stuck in my head at the moment. I posted it in my Facebook group because we're having a theme today about 'neighbours'. Years ago I was living in a block of units in Bronte, and there was a block right next to ours, and the occupant of the corresponding flat would look through his bathroom window into what was the window of the living room in the dwelling shared by my sister and me. So we had to keep the blind down. Just thought I'd share that snippet
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