"Esteemed Madam Pharaoh,
Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule of marrying your brothers, fucking a few Roman generals, and having your servants hunt up asps to stick down your décolletage to contact me. I am indeed humbled and flattered that you would send me a private message, albeit one with the grammatical, spelling, and punctuation skills of a dyslexic Martian.
I would have responded to you via your preferred method of communication, being the private message function on Facebook. However, I cannot do this because you have blocked me. This cannot be right. Surely the Queen of Egypt is not so frightened of a writer living in rural New South Wales that she would send a rather terse and insulting message, and then BLOCK said writer before said writer can formulate her reply? Nonetheless, this appears to be what has happened, hence I have chosen this more public method of response. Yes, I AM a writer. So therefore, you must be the Queen of Egypt. That's what you said: 'If you're a writer; I am the Queen of Egypt'. Madam Pharaoh, forgive me for taking the liberty of correcting the spelling and punctuation of your sentence, by the way, but 'if your a writer I am the queen of Egypt' is not how that sentence was supposed to be presented. It's capital 'I' for the beginning, it's 'you're' (the contraction for the phrase 'you are'), and there should probably be a semicolon after 'writer' because you haven't used a conjunction between those clauses. In this case, the conjunction should be 'then'. Also, it's a capital 'Q' on 'queen' because you are referring to your title. Again, Madam Pharaoh, I crave pardon for punctuating your sentence, but how you presented it to me really did hurt my eyeballs.
Madam Pharaoh, you're probably expecting me to refer to myself as 'your humble servant', but I will not do that because I am an Australian citizen and therefore not subject to your reign over there in Egypt whilst I'm here in Oz, however I seek leave to attend to the other part of your message, to wit, ' you are on the side of paedophiles'. No need for capital 'Y' on 'you' because I have only copied the second half of the sentence (maybe I should have stuck an ellipsis in). A paedophile is someone who loves children, but in our modern lexicon it has become the word to describe someone who would be better described as a 'pederast'. Now, Madam Pharaoh, this is where I start to get a touch truculent. If you will recall our Facebook convo (we Aussies like to shorten words), I pointed out some judicial procedures. Being stuck on a throne in Egypt as you are (and getting fanned with palm leaves by buff loin-clothed slaves, and then getting banged stupid by Roman generals - lucky gal!), you're clearly not au fait with how it works here. Please unblock me, and take the time to read my comments again. Slowly. Or have someone read them to you, because being the Egyptian Queen, I'm guessing English is not your first language. I have neither the linguistic nor translation skills necessary to convert my words to hieroglyphics for you, but certainly your court will have a translator to do the job. However, to say I am supportive of somebody who would molest a child merely because I (1) pointed out judicial procedure, and (2) stated somebody's suicide does not prove he was a criminal but merely tortured, is seriously fatuous to say the least, and downright offensive. Madam Pharaoh, to engage in spurious ad hominem rhetoric in the manner in which you have done is the last bastion of the impotent.
Your misspelled messages state you are reading law for a hobby. I would suggest a different hobby because you clearly do not understand the subject matter. Perhaps resuming the solving of those nice easy puzzles in 'Take Five' magazine would be less taxing for you. Have one of those buff loin-clothed slaves bring you some crayons.
I will admit to having been somewhat star-struck to have been contacted by Egyptian royalty. However, the excitement proved meretricious and all I could do was roll my eyes and laugh at the imbecility of the fallacious arguments, followed by a blocking.
I leave you now, Madam Pharaoh, as I must peruse the edited manuscript of my upcoming novel. But in the interest of bestowing upon you some cultural learnings, as well as letting you know how I feel about your communication with me, this good old Aussie idiom beautifully encapsulates my feelings: Go stick your head up a dead bear's bum.
Yours,
Simone (who is a writer)"
Do you like, peeps? That's what I would have told this person had they not blocked me. But as mentioned, I am a writer and if any of you, (including the Queen of Egypt) are interested in my novels, here are links to the first chapters:
http://www.zeus-publications.com/calumny_while_reading_irvine_welsh.htm
http://www.zeus-publications.com/abernethy.htm
http://www.zeus-publications.com/silver_studs_and_sabre_teeth.htm
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