Dreary Dirges

Whilst one is stuck indoors, one likes to check one's socials. Unfortunately one is often assailed with dumbarsery that plumbs the nefarious depths of the most unholy dumbarsery ever, leaving one wondering if the planet is, in fact, seriously doomed. I'm referring to Good Ol' #45, that personified Dorito in the White House, who asked why doctors and first responders cannot reuse face masks a 'second, third, fourth time'.  Um, probably the same reason we don't reuse toilet paper and condoms  a 'second, third, fourth time'. Grrrrr!

Anyway, I found myself reading a thread wherein people were asked to @ their worst songs ever, and some of the ones nominated were seriously crap. It got me thinking about songs that really are just bleak, boring, or banal. I daresay those murky melodies are even worse than the obvious stinkers like Achy Breaky Heart. To cheer you, or else drive you mad with earworms, I list hereunder a few dreary, dirge-like turds:

1. |Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something. It seems I'm not the only one whose teeth are set on edge by this song. Look, a mutual enjoyment of an old Audrey Hepburn movie is not enough fodder for resurrecting a moribund relationship. Let it die, already. And could radio stations not keep playing this? That would be great.

2. Amazing by Alex Lloyd. This song is as boring as shit!

3. Paradise by Coldplay. Yeah, Coldplay are an easy target, but this really is an irritating song. It's like being pelted with cotton wool balls by a fairy: superficially harmless, but with the power to drive you insane after a short while.

4. No Aphrodisiac by The Whitlams. So there's no aphrodisiac like loneliness, hey? Well, there's no boner-killer like this song. I'm referring to both traditional and lady-boners. 

5. Love and Other Bruises by Air Supply. This song is unbelievably inane, even before you factor into the equation the overwrought, pained delivery that has you wondering did Graham Russell stomp on Russell Hitchcock's foot in the recording studio. But I cannot move onto the next number without complaining about the opening verse, wherein it is stated 'as the ice melts into snow'. Um, what? Did you lot actually listen in Science? Ice (a solid) melts into water (a liquid), not snow (another solid). 

6. Big Yellow Taxi by Counting Crows. I actually don't mind this band as a rule, but this is a truly pointless remake, if ever there was one. I don't know what's worse: shit remakes (think UB40's catalogue) or pointless ones like this heap of dried bat guano. This remake captures none of the pathos in Joni Mitchell's original, and doesn't make me care about the environment they way Joni Mitchell's original does. |All it does is make me go ugh when I hear it.

Anyway, I had best away. It's been raining today, which is lovely, but I think it's done something to the fennel-fest in the vacant lot next door. I don't know if I have a clinical allergy to fennel, and I do enjoy aniseed flavouring and fennel bulbs in salad, but whenever the lot next to us is mown, I smell fennel and sneeze like mad. Right now, I'm not sneezing, but I do feel a bit puffy around the eyes and my nose feels a bit blocked. 

Ciao for now.

Let's Hear it for the Celebrities! (Does Eye Roll)

We are all fed up to the back teeth with the current situation, and we are looking forward to this rotten germ being under control and our lives returning to some kind of normalcy. But in the interim, we should give thanks to the people working hard to keep the world turning and keep us comforted. Oh no, I'm not talking about emergency service workers, health care workers, delivery drivers, and grocery store staff. The people to whom I refer deserve a higher degree of worship and hagiography. I'm talking about - drum roll, please - CELEBRITIES!

Yes, celebrities, without whom we would not know true courage, valour, and self-sacrifice. Can you believe they are actually Instagramming photos of themselves WITHOUT MAKEUP whilst in self-isolation? Without a single dab of base, or a single swipe of highlighter, or a single stroke of mascara? Can you even begin to fathom the bravery it takes to do this? I am humbled and in awe, and must wipe away tears.

Pictures without makeup. Renditions of Imagine. Madonna bleating nihilistic bullshit in a bathtub with rose petals floating atop the water's surface: is there no end to the lengths to which they will go to make us feel warm and safe?

Pfffffft.

However, in an interesting segue, celebrities to have a bit to do with the Arts, and as has been commonly bandied about lately, it is the ARTS that are helping us cope with being isolated and/or quarantined. When not viewing the ominous malaise in the news, we are enjoying steaming services, or listening to movies, or reading books.

Speaking of reading books, I'm in the market for a new publisher. I am putting some things on Amazon, and have started with Abernethy, a young adult novel about a lonely boy who befriends a talking beagle (the titular character). The dog becomes a kind of Jiminy Cricket figure whilst the boy is awaiting the outcome of his father's appeal to the Court of Criminal Appeal. |At the moment, it's e-book format, but I will make shortly it available as a paperback, too. In the spirit of people enjoying books in a bleak time, I have made a promotion that the book be free for five days, and I believe that will commence from midnight (US) 27 March 2020. For more information, just click to the book here.

People Who Are Annoying Me Right Now

1. Madonna. For those who know me, this is not news. I have never been a fan of this charm-deprived harridan at all. She is a soulless fake, and her songs are pretty boring. So you're probably wondering what she has done to warrant a mention from me tonight. Weeeellll, I was scrolling through my Twitter feed tonight, and saw a video she has posted. Before I continue, can I just ask celebrities to not try and cheer us so much, you know, with things like a clip of a bunch of you singing Imagine? It just reeks of privileged and wealthy wankery, and it's just so not relatable. Madge also got in on the act with a clip of her singing a reworking of Vogue into a hand mirror (the lyrics had been appropriated about being unable to buy certain foodstuffs - maybe she meant truffle-seeped caviar but I stopped listening because my ears were hurting).  But let's leave that segue there and I will just bet back to what Madge posted. This clip has her blathering about how it doesn't matter how rich you are, how smart you are, where you live, or how old you are - whatever! - Covid-19 is the 'great equaliser' and that it's made us all 'equal', and that's what's 'terrible' about it. I'm sure the Surgeon General and WHO are grateful to Madge for informing people of this fact. She says that's also what's 'wonderful' about it, and when the ship is going down, we're all going down together.

I cannot stomach faux-spiritual platitudes with a dose of nihilism at the best of times, but what made this one even more implausibly preposterous is that Madonna delivers her message sitting in a luxurious setting: a bathtub set among tea candles and rose petals floating on the water, and with harp music in the background. I'm starting to wonder if she's seriously fried.

2. Prue MacSween. She posted a tweet about this virus being linked to bats, and for Gladys Berejiklian to 'exterminate' the bats. She's like a shrewish bogan Dalek! And if she's of a mind bats should be eradicated, she might want to consider going into hiding herself. Did we exterminate horses after equine flu?  Pigs after swine flu? Birds after SARS?  Prue, stop already.

3. Gerry Harvey for gloating about the increased sales figures enjoyed by Harvey Norman during this epidemic. People are dying, you avaricious old grub. It is not unreasonable to feel some relief that your business is not suffering, but sometimes you just have to keep it to yourself, or pick a better phrase. But you are the same shitgibbon who said welfare was for no-hopers, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you would be so callous. Just remember this: there are no pockets in a shroud.

So, who's enjoying the current pall hanging over the world? No? Me, neither. I'm not enjoying social distancing. I'm not enjoying that we've removed our son from school (but think it's right under the circumstances). I'm not enjoying I can't go to the gym or yoga (I found some yoga clips on You Tube, so that will keep me sane). I'm not enjoying I can't go to the trivia and show off the fact I know what is the capital city of Lithuania.

BUT - the sooner we all keep our distance and get this virulent fucker under control, the sooner we can start slowly rebuilding our lives. And there will be some serious rebuilding. My heart broke seeing the stories on television today: people who were in hospitality or fitness who have lost their livelihoods because of the closure of gyms and entertainment venues. I'm in health care, so still have work. I can tutor via FaceTime and Skype etc, with a white board behind me.

With the spare time I have not going to the gym or movies etc, I will be working on some projects to be finalised. Also, there will likely be a new option to purchase my books soon - watch this space. I will let you know when the option is available, and if you're in lockdown, maybe I can entertain you!

Let Them Eat Cake (But Let's Indulge in Some Price Gouging First)

I won't say the C-word, was my mantra before logging into my blog. The dreaded C-word used to be a derogatory term for female pudenda, and now it's a term for that frigging germ that 's got everyone NUTSO. Grocery shopping used to be a mere inconvenience, and now it's a total ORDEAL. Not helping the aggravation is this incorrigibly stupid tweet I read today from some gronk of the highest order called Matthew Lesh. I am aware it isn't nice to name people, but he has tweeted from a public profile, so I will call him out on his buffoonery. I am having trouble copying the tweet, so here's the text, which relates to the increase in prices of sought-after supermarket items:

There is nothing wrong with retailers increasing prices. It ensures products can be bought by those who value them the most and helps prevent shortages.

This total fuckwhackery was followed up by this comment from Lesh:

If you really want to buy a product would you prefer to pay a little more or not be able to access it?

Seriously, what ails this guy? People are trying to buy FOOD! Is he saying only those with money deserve sustenance and nourishment, and the opportunity to provide for their families? Is this the modern day equivalent of 'Let them eat cake'? Oh, I'm aware Marie Antoinette didn't actually say;  'Let them eat cake'; this is just a metaphor and writers occasionally use them.

This bloke is head of research of some think tank in England. I might be naïve, but I was of the understanding that think tanks, by virtue of their titles, were supposed to THINK!

His pinned tweet states: A big announcement: I have written a book. 

Mate, so freaking WHAT? I have written FOUR books, and never in my life have I implied it's acceptable for supermarkets to increase costs because people value their food. People do value food; it's what helps them LIVE, you insufferable imbecile! Yes, I do like 'nice' foods, and admit to being a bit of a gourmand, but please show me whereabouts this is mentioned in the NSW Criminal Code. People who are struggling actually want to feed their families, and it shouldn't matter whether it's gravy beef or foie gras: they're entitled to frigging well eat, okay? God, what an annoying idiot you are. Heaven help you if you topple from your high horse, so just tuck and roll, okay?

Why don't I finish this post with a kind of feel-good anecdote? Well, it's feel-good for me, and it is in the neighbourhood of being a type of brag. All I ask is you indulge me. I played trivia the other night. I play alone. I used to be a gun for hire, but right now I'm happy on my own. I didn't get to win the right to play for jackpot money, but everyone is allowed to answer the jackpot question for two points on their score. I was the only person in the game who knew who was the reigning monarch at the time of the Guy Fawkes gunpowder plot. Now, I don't actually know this answer straight away off the top of my head. I sat and did some thinking, and remembered there is a line of thought among scholars that the porter scene in MacBeth is an allusion to the gunpowder plot. This is feasible, because writers often drawn on what's happening in the news when they're writing. The quizmaster asked who was the KING when Guy Fawkes did all his plotting, and whilst it is common knowledge that Shakespeare was writing during the Elizabethan era (and Elizabeth I was not a king), what people don't mention too often is that he also wrote during the Jacobean era, which is the reign of King James I. Applying that logic, I wrote 'King James I', and got the answer right! I was the only person in the room who got it right! This is an obnoxious boast on my part, but in these trying times, it is one I will allow for the sake of self-care.

By the way, all my books might be available on Kindle Direct soon, so watch this space...

Hysteria and Kissteria

I arrived back from The Big Smoke two days ago, but haven't bothered logging into the blog because I've been: (1) tired; (2) busy; and (3) depressed.

Don't worry, (3) is nothing to be worried about per se; it's just a reaction to the constant inundation of news about Covid-19. It's all we hear about, but then that's because its impact has been surreal and nightmarish. Events are being cancelled, and this of course impacts up on the artists and people whose income is dependent upon festivals. Businesses that usually receive a bit of a boost when an event, be it sporting or artistic, is staged also lose potential income. My local supermarkets, with shelves bereft of necessities like toilet paper and hand sanitiser and vegetables, makes me feel as though I'm living in pre-Havel Czechoslovakia, and not the Upper Hunter Valley in 2020. Hopefully,  the virus will be contained soon, and we can resume normality. Hopefully the recovery will be a swift one. I guess for the time being we just listen to the guidelines suggested by medical experts, and just keep being Australians like our Prime Minister said. The second clause in that last sentence was sarcasm.

So many little things can accumulate and snowball. Last week, I caught up with family and family-by-extension. One of them, whom I'd not seen for many years, was not hugging people, and in other circumstances he would have hugged me. He introduced me to his spouse, and we just smiled and said 'Hello; I like to shake hands when I meet people, and this just felt alien and odd.

But aside from this, it was a very busy week, both stressful and fun. Why was it fun? Well, I got to go on a cruise around Darling Harbour for a Kiss cover band (Kissteria). They were supported by a Poison tribute band (Poison'us). It really was fun, and naturally I grabbed photo ops!

But, I must away. Have some research I need to do on some yoga terminology. To assist with correcting my cruddy posture, I joined a yoga class last night. I figure it will be easier to follow if I can understand the instructions given. It would probably also help if I had some type of acquaintance with the notion of being able to balance. By some minor miracle last night, I managed to not topple over onto my face.

Things That Make You Go 'Strewth!'

Just a quick post before I shower and hit the sheets. I'm catching early train tomorrow because I'm spending a week in The Big Smoke. I will therefore not be blogging too much through the week, so I just wanted to touch base.

Not only am I excited about my upcoming trip, I am super-excited that I was able to purchase an eight-roll packet of toilet paper today (at my local |Aldi store). For the past few days, the procurement of poo-paper has been a grail-like quest in my home town. Honestly, why the fuck is everybody so fucking STUPID? It's not just me who's inconvenienced; how about pensioners or people with disability who find it hard to get to the supermarket at the best of times, and who miss out because there have been morons stampeding for the toilet paper like a herd of startled water buffalo? And also, people are hogging hand sanitiser and soaps. Peeps, were you not already washing your hands prior to the onset of Corona Virus?

Yesterday, I was thinking about major moments people remember. My older sister once told me about the day of the moon landing, and how she recalled sitting in a classroom whilst the nun tuned in a radio so the children could all hear this momentous occasion.

I will always remember the stupendous technological and humanitarian achievement that was the Live Aid concert, and how I felt watching Status Quo opening the Wembley leg with the appropriate Rockin' All Over The World. The memory of Bob Geldof being hoisted aloft on the shoulders of his musical contemporaries still has the power to bring a tear to the eye. One of the records spawned by this event is that Phil Collins became the only person to perform in a concert on two continents on the one day when he performed in Wembley, and flew in a Concord jet to Philadelphia for the US section of the concert. The US ending of We Are The World  wasn't as good as the British Do They Know It's Christmas? because WATW sucks donkeys' balls.

But today's generation, when asked to describe a defining moment in their history, will say, 'Well, I remember the great toilet paper crisis of 2020.' Strewth.

In the meantime, I am one of the featured artists in this zine. After you click on the link here, scroll to page 90. My interview appears through pages 90-99.

Well, that's it for now. Will try and drop a line beforehand, otherwise, I will be back next Sunday!

It's in the (Toilet) Paper!

From what I can tell, the symptoms of corona virus include:

* Fever
* Fatigue
* Dry cough
* Sore throat
* Confusion
* Headache

Nowhere have I read the symptoms include an uncontrollable and insurmountable urge to evacuate the bowels, and spend every waking moment sitting on a commode crapping one's guts out. Therefore, I cannot understand why people are spending up big on toilet paper. Fair dinkum, the woman in front me at the checkout today had about nine lots of those 24-to-a-packet loo rolls. What - and I do meant this in the nicest way - the fuck? There is an infinitesimal chance she was buying the bum paper for a business, but businesses that require bulk-purchased loo rolls, like department stores, are surely more likely to purchase from a supplier whose business is targeted specifically in that manner, I daresay.

I'd better go and grab some dunny paper before it sells out, just so I have something with which to wipe my arse, not because I think there's going to be a critical shortage. But maybe there is going to be a critical shortage because everyone's rushing out to purchase toilet paper in bulk. Geeeez. I'd be more inclined to purchase soap and hand sanitiser, which would be a far more efficacious method of stopping the spread of the virus than a nine-pack of Sorbent.

Oh well, I'm tired. Haven't been doing too much other than work of late. Had a visit from the prodigal on the weekend, who regaled us with tales of university and campus life. He's enjoying it, and we're happy for him.

Got some big news regarding my books soon, tool. Watch this space...