It has been my grave misfortune to encounter dumb-arses today. In person and in cyberspace. Why do people have to indulge in and live by the laws of abject dumb-arsery, all the while stealing a good share of the oxygen from the rest of us who actually have some sense? These are the dumb-arses who ruined my day today:
1. A blogger whom I won't name who wrote a post on her reservations about allowing her daughter to dress as Disney's Moana for Halloween. In her dung heap of a view, this could be racist. It could also be a manifestation of the most vile of phenomena these days: 'cultural appropriation'. I am staring to loathe that phrase. Every time I see or hear it, I know my teeth are going to be as set on edge as if I was listening to a honey badger scraping its claws along a blackboard. The odious phrase is taking over from 'misogyny' as the catch cry and cause of SJWs everywhere, the type who get up and even before they've had their coffee are hard at work trying to figure out exactly what to be offended by and on behalf of whom for the day. This lady doesn't want to raise a racist kid. I'm cool with that. I don't want to raise racist kids, either. Raising kids who aren't racist is commendable. Raising kids who are going to turn into a writhing knot of neuroses and end up costing you a fortune in therapists' fees is not. Is Moana offensive to those of Polynesian descent? I don't know; I've neither seen the film nor asked anybody of Polynesian background. Does a young girl want to represent a foreign culture, or a Disney heroine she admires? And here's something for all you people who have fallen in love with the cultural appropriation cause: while you're worrying yourselves stupid over some costume for a little kid to wear and have fun in over Halloween, does it not occur to you that Halloween is the appropriation of another culture, albeit an ancient one?
2. The reeking grot at Aldi trolley bay today. I didn't get a very good look, because I was trying not to swoon from the nose-busting stench of the slob. The body odour assailed my nostrils in palpable noisome waves that could have been sliced through with a cutlass. Listen, mate, commercial deodorant as we know it was first trademarked in 1888. In the 130-odd years since, it has become widespread, easy to come by, is relatively inexpensive, and not at all difficult to apply. There is no reason to get around in a virulent cloud of utter ponginess. I shoved the little latch back in the trolley slot, snatched out my dollar coin, and virtually sprinted back to my vehicle away from the toxic fumes so I could take a breath of BO-free air again.
3. The imbecilic retard driving what looked like a Rodeo this afternoon at about 1.25pm. I have a sixteen-year-old. He is a tall, brainy, computer and gaming nerd. He is also on his Ls. This afternoon, at the aforementioned time, I took him out to our local industrial estate for a diving lesson. I turned off the main road at a T-intersection, whereupon we put the magnetic L-plates on my car and swapped seats. Everything was going smoothly. There was a vehicle approaching from the other direction, but it is not that driver with whom I take issue. I'm getting to that. The scene went a little like this, with me speaking in an encouraging yet authoritative manner: 'Turn the ignition on. Got your blinker on? Put it into gear. Mirror, mirror, blind spot. Good. Nothing's coming. We're right to pull out. Ready?...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING DOING YOU BLOODY FUCKING IDIOT!!!!' The capitalised section of my dialogue was directed not at the fruit of my womb, but at the 'fucking idiot' that came screaming around from the main road at high speed, and flew past us almost straight into the oncoming car, wove sharply back into the correct lane with the grace and trajectory of a drunken pinball pellet, before continuing at that alarming speed into the distance, where I assume he made the jump into hyperspace. As we continued with our lesson, I said to my son that I hoped that idiot had made it to the toilet in time, because it must have been an imminent bout of explosive diarrhoea threatening to make him speed and drive so dangerously.
Well, that will do me for the time being. Tomorrow will bring another day - it's what tends to happen when the Earth spins on its axis - and hopefully it will be a day not hampered by dumb-arses.
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