You all enjoyed the last album folks, and because you wanted it, here it is: Volume II of those ditties you dedicate to the loathed ones in your life. Well, to be specific, it's to the loathed ones in my life at the moment, and it's only Side 1. But let's not waste time, without further ado, here's the list:
1. 'Every Day I Love You Less And Less' by the Kaiser Chiefs. Maybe in my case I could appropriate it to go something along the lines of 'every day I hate you more and more.' <guffaws>
2. 'I Hate Everything About You' by Ugly Kid Joe. I really do like this song, and it evokes a memory of being carefree and watching 'Wayne's World'. Now I'm chockers with cares and worries, and cannot find my 'Wayne's World' DVD anywhere. Not all the lyrics resonate with me, but the one that goes 'I get sick when I'm around you' speaks volumes. Ear-shattering volumes, at that. Volumes that will annihilate the eardrum and leave it swirling in vaporised little particles.
3. 'Little Miss Can't Be Wrong' by The Spin Doctors. Bitch, you are SO wrong. And like the song says, 'ain't nobody gonna bow no more when you sound your gong.' Enjoy the topple from your throne. I'd leave out some cushions to soften the blow when your doughy carcass hits the floor, but if I'm honest, I'd rather you crash and get some sense knocked into you. That's what this song says to me, anyway.
4. 'Cockroach' by The Sweet. I don't think this was actually released as a single. It features on the 'Give Us A Wink' album. We all have that 'special' person or persons in our lives who are unfortunately best described as scrabbling, creepy, nasty, circuit-board-in-the-dishwasher-destroying COCKROACHES.
5. 'Fat Bottomed Girls' by Queen. This is perhaps a contentious entry because the tone of the song is flattering and empowering, but I'm thinking of someone I know who has an arse upon which one could screen a movie - in cinemascope.
6. 'Two Faces Have I' - I'm not going the original by Lou Christie, but the remake by Ol' 55, for no other reason than it's the one I have the clearer memory of. Actually have the original on another compilation album at home, and I think it's Volume II of '26 Groovy Greats', brought to us by K-Tel. Should still have it out in my shed, where I was storing it in a brown milk crate (the staple of many furniture motifs for all those who flat-shared in the Eighties) along with other old records, some of which I retrieved after clearing out my childhood home after my father passed. I suspect those records have been rooted badly after the Christmas Eve flood. I don't know why I had to have another flood. It's something else to be miserable about, but I'm going to focus on this little list of songs I'm having some fun compiling. Yes, the Ol' 55 remake is a bit of a cheesy guilty pleasure. But in the context I'm thinking of, the purpose of the two faces is not 'one to laugh; one to cry', but rather 'one to be a cunt, one to be an even bigger cunt'. Harsh? Yes. Feral? I guess so. Beneath me, and not worthy of a woman of my wordsmith-worthiness? Most definitely. But it's how I'm feeling.
Yeah, I'm having a bit of petty fun doing this. Although my life has had more ups and downs than the combined roller coaster tally of the Gold Coast theme parks of late, there has been some joy, too. My house is slowly (really slowly, mark you) getting back to normal. I took my younger son shopping for winter clothes today, and had a glimpse of what it might have been like to have had a daughter. He's very fashion conscious, unlike my older son who would happily dress like a homeless scarecrow. He ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the hoodie with the skull on the front, and wrinkled his nose at a pair of tracksuit pants I pulled from the rack ('Eeeeew, Mum! I'm not wearing those; they're hideous'). He gave himself a miniature fashion parade in the change room and castigated me for my
inadequate closure of the change room curtain ('Mum, everyone will see my nipples!'). We stopped to buy sushi, and walked into a miasmic cloud of acrid body odour left in the wake of a previous customer. Seriously, mate - if you're reading this - get some bloody deodorant! It's not expensive, it's easy to acquire, and simple to use! How does your girlfriend (if that's who was with you) stand your evil reeking armpits? The faces of my son and I no doubt took on the Dali-esque melting qualities of the characters in the Pepe Le Pew cartoons when the stinking skunk saunters by. 'Mum', hissed my son, 'That guy stinks like the drinking water in Africa.'
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