With April knocking at our door, we know May is waiting in the cue which means there will be ads for Mother's Day gifts, and the gifts are usually Michael Buble CDs, or compilations featuring Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. For some reason marketing types think us mummies all go for this. When it's Dad's turn, the CDs are usually promoted as drinking songs, and groaning under the weight of the Acca Dacca, and Steppenwolf, and Angels, and Golden Earring, and multitudinous other testerone-fueled acts, all of which I'd much rather listen to any day than Mariah or Ol' Whitters.
The same sort of promotion happens around Valentine's Day, and Christmas Day. They're all geared towards the special one in your life. But what about a compilation for that particular arsehole (or arseholes) in your life? Sometimes a song sums it up beautifully. Think Jim Croce when he sings, 'Every time I tried to tell you the words just came out wrong/So I have to say I love you, in a song.' I will have to put this on my iPod. Last time I posted I mentioned I was going to download some choons thereon, and am still yet to do so. But my original point is every now and then you are going to deal with some people who have apparently made it their life's mission to destroy yours. They have been given the gift of life for the sole purpose of shitting you to tears. Even worse, they have morphed into a nest of vipers and you had best find that old steel serving tray and shove it down the back of your shirt, because they are going to sneak up behind you with knives at the ready to plunge between your shoulder blades and sever your spinal column. I know a few people like that, and just might send a call out to any of those producer types who like to compile these special occasion CDs. If my idea is not appealing to you, then I might have to take out a loan and invest in producing this CD myself, because I know it's going to be a winner. Kind of like that service I heard about years ago that would actually deliver dead flowers to people you hate. I wonder are they still in business or did their prospective clientele realise sometimes arseholes just aren't worth the money and effort? Anyway, here is Side 1 of the CD I'm thinking of, and trust me, I have had some inspiration:
1. 'Toxic' by Britney Spears (it might be Britney, but I don't mind it)
2. 'Bitch' by the Rolling Stones (off my favourite album, 'Sticky Fingers')
3. 'Brilliant Disguise' by Bruce Springsteen because there are some very two-faced types out there who finally reveal their true colours, so therefore....
4. 'True Colours' by Kasey Chambers. Not even the original by Cindi Lauper but this remake because it's enough to strip the enamel from their fangs, er, teeth
5. 'Why Don't You All Get Fucked' by Skyhooks. This needs no explanation and by Christ I'd love to say it aloud at times lately.
6. 'Respectable' by the Rolling Stones, who appear to be good at writing songs you can direct to the arsehole in your life. This particular one, whilst ostensibly a swipe at Bianca Jagger, has an underlying message of get the fuck over yourself.
7. 'No More Mr Nice Guy' by Alice Cooper, which can be construed as a warning to the recipient of this fabulous compilation
That's a little taste of what's to come on this new album, which I'm sure will be screaming up the charts to be Number One with a bullet. Coming soon from K-Tel, and it will be a great addition to your K-Tel Record Selector which you can purchase for just $2.99!
Stand by for Side 2 soon.
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