I'm not a sports journalist. I'd probably make a very bad sports journalist. I'd be a passable journalist in that I am literate and actually can write in a creative manner, but this is negated by my sub-zero interest in just about every sport going. I don't care about people chasing a ball around a muddy field, and don't lose my shit at Grand Final or State of Origin time. I'm not in a position to be issuing advice or directives to sports journalists, and it is hypocritical of me to try because I hate armchair experts. But I will have to put my hypocrisy aside and say it now: sports journalists, it may be prudent to not interview athletes fresh from the field. My sports psychology is a little sketchy, but odds are they're hyped up and not liable to think what spews from their mouths, along with the mouth guard. They are likely to say something asinine at best, or something that offends the Church of the Perpetually Outraged at worst. You will all recall the Chris Gayle bull dung because he suggested buying a journalist a drink (could you imagine if it had gone like: 'What about a drink?' 'No'. 'I suppose a fuck's out of the question?'). And we now have the shit of all being lost because of some silly comment by Sam Thaiday following Queensland's State of Origin victory last night. He said something like the game was 'a bit like losing your virginity. Bit unpleasant, but had to be done.' Look everyone, this is HIS perception, and HIS analogy, and as mentioned he has just come of the field and is likely not thinking about who he's likely to offend if he makes an off the cuff comment. Had I been the journalist, I might have replied, 'Oh? It was over in three minutes and you wiped your spoof-dripping dick on your beanie afterwards?', but I have a warped sense of humour. However, there appear to be many people who are jumping up and down and causing undue stress on the earth's topography with all this synchronised jumping. Please stop it, people. There are complaints that children might have heard it. You know what? If there are kids watching television at that time of night perhaps the parenting in the household is more concerning than some stupid comment made by a footballer. I've heard panellists say worse on 'Q&A' which is run in an earlier time slot, but because it is the ABC and 'Q&A' is all left-leaning intelligensia, then that's fine. Don't get me wrong, you all know my politics lean slightly to the left, but you do see the point I'm making here, don't you? But anyway, did Thaiday say something inane? Absolutely. Is it worth having an entire nation go into meltdown over? Christ on a stick, NO!! So sports journalists, please remember you are interviewing footballers, not Gore Vidal.
Soon I am to pick up my son from band practice, but I must state that last night I fought the good fight. The poster at the club where I play my weekly trivia game has been infuriating me with its misspelled 'sponsored'. It purports to be 'sponsered' by a local butcher. Yeah, you read that right. I cannot believe nobody noticed that error before it went to print, and I'm including the staff at the business who printed the poster in my disdain. So last night I took along a post-it with a red 'O' lettered on it, and stuck it over the offending 'E'. Magically, I felt calmness and inner tranquillity after doing this. It seems as though the universe has been realigned. Someone asked me what I would do in the event management removes my post-it. The answer is simple. I will put on another post-it. And another. And another. I will keep doing this, cackling maniacally on my 150th post-it note application, and still cackling and shrieking, throwing 'O'-ed post-its in the direction of that poster as I am dragged away by two white coated attendants, each with an elbow hooked under my armpits, and my heels digging burrows as I am dragged. As the needle is administered to my bicep, I will still be crackling and screeching, 'It's 'O'! 'O'! 'O!', fading to a whisper as the Thorazine takes hold.
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