There are things guaranteed to make one scratch one's head, such as head lice or a dry scalp condition. So to do the mysteries of life. I've been raised Catholic, and others of you who are 'of the faith' (typed in an Irish brogue) will know what I mean when I refer to the Mysteries like Jesus rising from the dead, or the Immaculate Conception. But I tend not to dwell on those Great Mysteries so much now, if indeed at all, because there are other things making me rake my nails in a repeated rapid back-and-forth formation over my scalp. These Mysteries of Life, that have made me just go 'WTF', include:
1. Why people appear in reality television shows that have an artificial environment and expect to retain credibility. As I'm always on the search for blogging material, I thought I'd have a look at 'The Bachelorette' last night. 'You're kidding, aren't you?' asked my husband in incredulous tones, his eyebrows almost at his hairline. 'I cannot believe a woman of your literary sense and intelligence would watch this shit.' I told him it was in the name of research, and I was quite certain I would not enjoy it. My instincts served me well. I think I lasted maybe ten minutes. Look, I don't work in television, but I'm pretty sure the producers and other behind-the scene types are going to orchestrate at least one or two contestants to appear the 'villain'. As a writer, I know you will keep neither your reader or (in the case of a reality show) viewer if you don't have some kind of conflict, and conflict or tension is usually provided by an antagonist or 'villain'. Look at all the flack the Bachelor from last year copped when he realised he'd chosen the wrong girl. Well, that girl is now the Bachelorette, and I just hope she's learned the word is 'jackass', not 'jack-arse'. While I'm on the subject, I hope Julia Gillard now realises it's not pronounced 'hyper-bowl'. I am sure I am not without sin myself, but this is my blog ,and ergo my fiefdom. But back to this lamentable drivel passing for entertainment. One of the dates had the contestants don wetsuits and jump some great height from the cliff (assuming that geographical structure qualifies as a cliff) into a river. What the fuck is the purpose to this? Prove your affection and loyalty by jumping off a cliff? If someone wanted me to jump from a considerable height into a river, I'd listen to my inner voice which would be reminding me I am actually frightened of heights, and if someone wants me to jump from a cliff, I'd just say, 'Darers go first!' Then, after the clown had jumped in and hopefully swallowed a considerable amount of effluent water, I'd lean as far over as my nerves would allow, give the two-fingered salute, and sneer, 'Hahahaha! Fuck ya!' But I don't think I'll waste any more of this life watching that crap, and I don't want to risk any IQ points doing so.
2. Morrissey's prose in his debut novel. I'm not sure whether to read it or not - I'm curious because it looks so bloody bad. I happen to dislike Morrissey intensely; he comes across as a nasty piece of parrot poop. Anyway, I've read a passage where there's a sex scene, and the phrase used is 'bulbous salutation'. Yeah, that had me scratching my head and saying, 'WTF?' I know the terminology and euphemisms a writer should use depend largely upon the narrative tone. When teaching, I always tell my fledgling Hemingways big words won't necessarily make a story better. Whether this type of language should be used depends on the narrator and the narrative tone. A deliberately comedic or satirical piece is usually very well served by poetic language and big words, and I think Tom Wolfe does this well. But 'bulbous salutation' is a seriously dud euphemism for an erection. I'm pretty sure that's what Morrissey was meaning by those two words. The piece was so farty and off the planet, he could have been referring to the postman, for all I know. Until now, I thought the worst euphemisms for an engorged phallus (I just might be trying irony here) were 'his hardness' and 'his eagerness'. When reading those, I'd just roll my eyes and wonder why the author could not have just written 'erection'. I guess it's just my personal writing style, but I have always just used the words 'dick' or 'erection', or 'penis' when the situation called upon it.
3. Where my mind is sometimes. I worked last night, and one of my jobs was to shower an elderly woman and wash her hair. 'Time for some conditioner,' I said to my client, and identified the pump-style container of product on the shower caddy. I gave the pump a whack, and out shot a wad of white goo, which flew straight past my open palm and landed with a splat on the bib of my plastic apron. The way it exited the nozzle, its trajectory, the shape in which it landed, and the gooey tear-drop slide down my apron reminded me of something I read ages ago. Want to know what it was? I once read that occasionally conditioner is used on the sets of adult movies to simulate the product of the 'money shot'. I'm not bothered by this at all - movies are all about illusion and tricks to make the viewer believe he or she is viewing the real thing. What I did not do was regale my client with this anecdote.
Well, that's all for now. If you're of a mind, click on the links on my page here to read the first chapters of my novels. I will be reading from 'Silver Studs and Sabre Teeth' at the Scone Literary Long Weekend on the October long weekend. Looking forward to it, but hoping like crazy to get some book sold.
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