Songs To NOT Seduce By

I really don't like being cold, my current state of being.  I'm imagining a warm fire, fine red wine, and maybe some gentle music.  A seduction.  Or maybe not gentle music - I have a guilty pleasure of watching old live performances of Van Halen, and find that strangely arousing (and here come the nurse with my meds now).

Songs can be seductive.  Some try to be, yet miss the mark by a country mile.  Sometimes it's related to the accompanying video clip.  Don't worry, reader; I am going to do a list here of what NOT to play when you're trying to get a significant other in the mood to Make The  Lurrrrrrve.  I will point out the list hereunder comprises songs that turn ME right off, so let that be your guide.  I do not claim to be a typical woman.  I have heard it said numerous times over the years I'm kind of strange.  'A Strange Kind Of Woman', which is one of my favourite Deep Purple songs.  Unlike 'Sweet Child In Time' because it goes on and on and on and on.  Anyway folks, this is just a suggested guide:

1. 'You Are Not Alone' by Michael  Jackson.  Mainly because it's, well, Michael Jackson.  Play that song to  me, and babycakes,  you WILL be alone!  The song is a combination of bodily functions in that it is both pissy and farty.  The film clip is nauseating in the extreme because it features Michael Jackson in a loin cloth or something, to protect the viewer from the sight of his genitalia (which I wonder was also plastic).  But the rest of the body is like a waxed skeletal mannequin, and he's caressing Lisa Marie Presley.  The thought of Michael  Jackson doing anything remotely sexual creeps me out, and the sight of it makes me want to undergo a lobotomy.

2. 'Tonight's The Night' by Rod Stewart.  As a kid, I watched it on 'Sounds' with my older sister.  She shrieked, 'God, he's ugly!', and my then 10yo self was traumatised at the sight of him making out with Britt Ekland at the end of the clip.  The lyrics speak about disconnecting the telephone line (serial killer alert!), and 'spread your wings and let me come inside'.  With regards to the latter, has there ever been a more sickening metaphor?  If he'd sung, 'Part the beef curtains and let's have a root', it would probably be only marginally more believable.  The song 'Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo' has a plethora of loopy metaphors, but at least it's sung with humour (and I must admit I do have that song on my dangerously crazy iPod).

3. 'Love Serenade Part I' by Barry White.  I love Barry's timbre, but seriously, this is about as subtle as punch between the eyes.

4.  'I'd Love You To Want Me' by Lobo.  It's just so blah.  It starts with the lyrical crime of 'When I saw you standing there/I just about fell off my chair' (or words to that effect, as the former law clerk in me qualifies).  I just listen to this overwrought and piteous blathering about almost falling off his chair, and just wonder was the dude pissed out of his gourd, or something.

So, there you have it.  Songs with which to NOT woo members of the opposite (or same, if it's your thing) sex.  Might have to think of some more for you, because let's face it, I am kind of performing a public service here.  If you can think of any, reader, let me know.