I'm not one for the puns, as a rule, but today I am liking Star Wars Day because it's the fourth of May, so therefore everyone is going around saying, 'May the 4th be with you!' If you don't quite get it, say it out loud. If you still don't get it after saying it aloud, then don't breed.
I am not strictly a Star Wars geek, but I do love the purity and marvellous characters in the first trilogy. Actually, what is the first trilogy now? I tend to think of it as Episodes IV, V, and VI because they were the first ones actually shown in cinemas, but of course now we have the trilogy of I, II, and III. I've seen none of this trilogy.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to have to come clean. My interest in Star Wars starts and ends with the monstrous crush I harboured on Luke Skywalker. As a 12yo I sighed happily, imagining he would come to rescue me. As a dirty old cougar in her late forties, I'm imagining playing with the young Jedi's light sabre.
Sir Alec Guinness really showed his acting chops in 'Star Wars', and it is obvious he was the worthy Oscar recipient for 'Bridge Over The River Kwai'. If you haven't seen that movie, then rattle your dags off to the DVD store and get it out; his performance is mesmerising. But back to SW: that Sir Alec was able to deliver the line, 'Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy' and make it sound believable (and presumably not beat George Lucas around the head with a rolled up copy of the script for writing such dreck) bears witness to the brilliance of the man as an actor.
I also enjoyed 'The Empire Strikes Back', and yeah, winced when Darth Vader cut off Luke's hand. I thought my old man was mean when he said I couldn't light my Christmas candle (fire hazard, I guess), but Darth Vader would be the pinnacle of pricks to have as a father.
But there was shark jumping in 'Return of the Jedi'. I mean, seriously, ewoks? How bloody lame were those things? The true shark fodder was when it was revealed Luke and Leia were brother and sister. I sat there wondering was I watching 'Star Wars' or 'Deliverance'. Apparently when told of this plot twist, even the actors looked at each other and went, 'Eeeeuuuuuuw!'
But Gentle Reader, if you don't wish to be reminded of a horrific long-buried memory, or introduced to utter, unadulterated horror, leave this web page now (but not before going to my links and checking out my novels and maybe buying them!). If you really want to aggravate and upset an annoying, dyed-in-the-wool Star Wars fan, ask about 'The Star Wars Holiday Special'. I feel soiled even typing that. Does anyone remember it? It has been referred to as the cousin nobody talks about when it comes to this franchise. It is the cousin that lives in the barn, humps sheep and eats spiders - I read that in an online review, I cannot take credit for that metaphor, but I so wish I could. You can probably You Tube it if you're desperate. Even the opening credits are enough to make you click on the 'stop' fast enough to sprain your finger. Chewbacca (starring again Peter Mayhew itching like buggery in the outfit) and Han Solo (starring an embarrassed looking Harrison Ford) are on their way to Chewbacca's home planet because it's an important holiday on the Wookiee calendar (oh, WHY do I know this?). The opening credits then show Mark Hamill (looking like he is tripping - and I hate typing that because of my crush, but that's how he looks), and Carrie Fisher (also looking like she is off her dial). I am wondering if taking part in this carbuncle on the backside of holiday specials is what actually convinced Carrie to book herself into rehab; it is clear none of the actors made a good choice with this. I wouldn't be surprised if George Lucas went around trying to buy up every known copy of this travesty ever made. I know I would. I'd beg, buy, or steal every copy and have a bonfire. I'd then bury the ashes somewhere private, and never make them known, just in case technology reaches the level a video or film can be reconstructed from some kind of celluloid DNA particle. Well, view it if you wish, but don't say I didn't warn you.
I think it might be in the top five of awful movies through which I have suffered. That list includes 'I Spit On Your Grave', 'Fifty Shades of Crap', and just about any Eighties movie starring Steve Gutenberg.
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