Yes, I know I wrote about FSOG the other day, but it seriously is the gift that keeps on giving. It is a novel of utter gut-churning, labia-straightening godawfulness, and a textbook example of How To Write Shit. It is the ultimate paradigm in How To Write Shit And Fool People And Retire On The Proceeds.
Well, with the upcoming movie, a certain scene from the book is not going to be in the movie. I'm going to quote as best I can, which will give you the scope without me having to draw a diagram: 'He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what! ... pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet'. So, I guess I didn't have to draw a diagram or a - wait for it - FLOW CHART (bahahahahaha!); you, my dear reader, can guess what's going on. You know something? I honestly don't care what blows peoples' hair back in the bedroom. If someone has this fetish, good luck to them - just don't indulge your fetish in the street and frighten the kids on their tricycles, okay? But because it was a scene in this book I remember screwing up my face and just groaning like a cow in labour. I do not think the menstrual cycle is shameful. Indeed, I got a good (albeit grossed-out) belly laugh in an episode of one of my favourite shows, 'Californication', I think in Series 3 when Charlie and Marcie are selling their house, and the estate agent shows someone around, and there is a horrified shriek because Marcie removed a tampon and didn't flush it. The prospective buyers were suitably sicked out by the bloodied white cotton blob in a red pool. Yes, it was shown on screen. But having some controlling fuck-up reach down and remove a woman's tampon? Gimme a break!
Let's just say, hypothetically, some dude tried to remove my tampon. Let's say (also hypothetically) he succeeded. I would morph into a snarling were-beast and shove the fucking thing up his nose, which would be fortuitous as he'd need it to staunch the blood after I'd smashed his nose. I'm saying hypothetical because I haven't used tampons for years, being a convert to the diva cup. If this is TMI, then too bad, deal with it; it's the nature of this post.
But you know what really, REALLY pisses me off about this scene (and a little in the 'Californication' ep)? This asinine piece of shit threw the tampon INTO THE TOILET! You do NOT throw tampons down the toilet, peeps. Take a minute to let that sink in. They swell. The strings entangle as they swell. They clog the pipes in a great sodden, bloodied, dirty ball that has to be removed by hand - and you wonder why plumbers charge so much? I don't bloody blame them! My nephew is a plumber, I must ask him if he's lived any of these horror stories. And furthermore, they are not biodegradable, so will not be suitable for septic systems, either.
Many years ago, whilst working in a law office, I was on the telephone to a police officer dissecting the rather convoluted schedule of a Subpoena for Production we had issued in relation to a case we had. I was saying, 'Yes, the running sheets. Yes, produce your notebook for the relevant time..' (and wondering had the dunderhead actually READ the frigging schedule), and right in my other ear, the horrendous old office administrator said, 'We mustn't flush tampons down the toilet, girls.' My jaw dropped, and I felt like snarling down the phone, 'Catch all that, Sergeant?' Don't get me wrong, I agreed (for once) wholeheartedly with the old bag, but there's a time and a place.
No comments:
Post a Comment