One of the things I always tell potential Hemingways when I give lectures about character development is the old saying: always be nice to a writer. This is because in some form or another, you WILL end up in their stories. Many of my characters are amalgams of people I have known, and I have given traits of people who have wronged me or my family to the more unsympathetic characters in my work. I totally own that. It's on the table, and believe me I am not alone in doing this. Of course I know to tweak the character traits enough to dodge the knock on the door from a process server armed with a Statement of Claim, with my name in the space marked 'Defendant'. A writing instructor once said not to worry too much because most people will not speak out and say, 'I'm suing because they've based the arsehole on ME!', probably because nobody will admit to being an arsehole.
Writers are not the only ones who use their work for this purpose. So, too, do singers. There are some beaut songs out there inspired by rancorous feelings toward an ex. One of the biggest-selling albums of all time, 'Rumours' by Fleetwood Mac, was stuffed to the max with break-up-inspired-ditties galore. It seems all the band members were in the process of breaking up with others, and out of the pain came this fantastic album.
Unless you've been under a rock, you are probably aware of Carly Simon's 'You're So Vain'. Conjecture has floated around in the forty or so years since its release about who was the cad who inspired this. Some say Warren Beatty. Some say Mick Jagger. I'm inclined to think it's not Mick Jagger because he actually appears on this record, uncredited, doing back up vocals. This of course could have been Carly's ultimate two-fingers-up gesture to him: having him sing on a record that takes the piss out of him. I'm putting my money on Beatty, because I can see him walking into a party like he's walking onto a yacht, as the opening lyric goes. And what a lyric it is, and what a classy singer Carly is.
There are other songs at exes, like Alanis Morriset's 'You Oughta Know', which is seriously vicious vitriol on a musical stave. It's supposedly about the bloke who played Joey in the nausea-inducing 80s sitcom 'Full House' (seriously, am I the only one who hated that show?). I always say it's funny she sings about fellating him in a theatre, because 'Full House' really sucked, too. But I do like this song, it's delivery cuts like the line of a whipper-snipper: quick and to the point.
But there is a flip side to this. Taylor Swift seems to have cornered the market on singing songs aimed at exes, but they don't seem to have the bite of the aforementioned examples. 'We are never ever getting back together...' to me just sounds sing-songy (duh) and childish, like a kid in the playground. Worse still, we have now been introduced to another one, performed by Abigail Breslin, actress known for her role as Olive in 'Little Miss Sunshine'. 'LMS' is a fantastic movie, with commendable performances all round, including Abigail's. But this dweeb of a song, titled 'You Suck' just - ahem! - sucks. It's supposedly about a failed relationship with a guy from the Aussie band 'Five Seconds of Summer', and it's lyrics are in the nonsensical, petty vein of Ms Swift's. And you know what? The guys who are on the receiving end of his melodic malice are probably thinking, 'Shit, I dodged a bullet when I broke up with that one! Thank fuck I don't have a pet rabbit!'
One of my favourite songs aimed at a reputed ex is 'Respectable' by The Rolling Stones (yeah, I know I'm biased; I'm a huge Stones fan). It's supposedly a dig at Mick's ex, Bianca, and young ladies in the aforementioned paragraph, this is HOW a dig at your ex should be. Lyrics like 'you're the easiest lay on the White House lawn' far eclipse twaddle like 'you suck'. Look at the official film clip. The band a playing (because they can play instruments) in a stark, shabbily painted room with Jagger all swagger and attitude, and tongue firmly planted in cheek. Having Keith and Ronnie is of course a huge bonus. Not sure what Charlie Watts is making of it, he looks a little like one of those nodding dogs you used to see in the back of cars. One of the things I like about this clip is the song sells it, not some Hollywood blockbuster type of non-linear bullshit with puppets, dancing midgets, and special effects. But it's a good way of digging at an ex without looking like an embittered little turd who's sitting at home squeezing a cushion while everyone else is out getting on with their lives.
A lesson to be learned from this, young men: don't date potential popettes.
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