Grieving a Loss

Life is a capricious bitch at times. Yesterday, I was relatively happy. I was making notes for tutoring the Stephen King story Crouch End, and loving the knowledge I can impart on my student. In the back of my mind was a bit of sadness and worry about my old dog, Brock, who was clearly unwell.

Today, my heart is broken. Brock was old and sick and likely suffering cancer. His quality of life was diminishing. I know we have made the right decision for him, but God, it hurts so much. There is a physical ache in my throat and my heart feels as though it has been pierced with a barbed poniard.

He joined us as a six-month-old stray German shepherd/kelpie cross. He howled at our front door at 1.30 one morning - frightened the living daylights out of us - and when my husband opened the door, the dog wandered in as though he had come home. And our home became his home. He chose us, and we are so lucky he did. He was protective and patient with our children (then aged 5 and 2). Just after he moved in with us, he stole a chicken I was defrosting, and that was the naughtiest thing he ever did.

We loved him so much. He just encapsulated all that was good about dogs. When he moved in, my oldest was just about to start school. My oldest is now in his final year of school, and came with us to the vet (our youngest felt he could go to school, and I suspect he would have found great comfort with his mates). We sat with our beautiful, tired, sick dog, passing a box of tissues back and forth to each other, and said our goodbyes. Without being asked, my son removed the dog's collar, and it's hard to explain why, but it set off a real torrent of emotion for us, his parents. There was a finality to the act, and a sign that our son is maturing into a good young man.

The vet and his assistant came in, and explained the procedure. I feel so sorry for vets at times like this. My son held the dog's paw as the injection was administered. Presently, the vet placed the stethoscope to Brock's chest and said gently, 'He's gone.'

Be at peace now, beautiful Brock. No more suffering and sickness for you. Thank you for being our dog.

Life just stinks at times. People stink and dogs are fantastic. Why can't dogs live forever? I guess the grief is the price you pay for loving a pet as much as we did.