What's Up My Nose Today

It might be the unseasonably warm wind that's messing with my biorhythms, or maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old woman, but some things have really been getting up my nose lately.  I don't like things going up my nose.  Hell, I don't even do cocaine as I find the thought of snorting something up your hooter like that rather gross.  But here are the things that are getting up my nose of late:

1.  Amber Heard.  Remember her?  She's an overrated bint who, along with her then beau Johnny Depp, thought she would bring two ugly scrawny mutts into Australia.  Barnaby Joyce, a tad theatrically and melodramatically, brought to their attention (which clearly has a span like Scarlett O'Hara's waist) we have stringent bio security laws in this country, in which thereof they were in breach.  If you're reading this, Amber - and don't skim over those big words; just sound them out - this is why our country doesn't have rabies and what you and your ex did potentially threatened our agricultural industry.  She and Depp put out an insulting sorry-not-sorry apology video, and it fooled nobody.  I was saddened to have to re-think the crush I once maintained on Depp, and grieved a little over it.  But anyway, in light of the recent revelations that Barnaby is constitutionally a citizen of New Zealand, possibly his position as Deputy Prime Minister is now untenable.  The High Court will rule on this in due course.  But Amber has posted a few gleeful 'ha-ha-on-you' type tweets, and here's the thing: she's coming across as a spoiled petulant narcissistic brat who can't handle being caught out for breaking the laws of another country.  Neither ignorance nor celebrity will get you any sympathy from me.  If you're after sympathy, go to the dictionary - it's near syphillis.  Maybe someone will help you.  I might have to whip around the hat and we can all donate to a fund that will enable you to purchase a ladder, and then you can get over yourself.  The situation with Barnaby Joyce segues to...

2.  Malcolm Turnbull for speaking about his confidence the High Court will rule favourably in relation to Barnaby.  This is an implicit interference by the Government with the role of the Judiciary.  Stay the fuck out of it.  I'm a bit sorry for Barnaby (who in light of his recent inadvertent allegiance to New Zealand will likely be hereafter known as Baa-naby), but I think he's tried to do the right thing.  I don't know what it is, but I even have a soft spot for him.  Maybe he makes me laugh.

3.  People saying Charles shouldn't take the throne, in the current rumours the Queen will abdicate on her 95th birthday.  The reasons people are coming up with for Charles to not take the throne are just personal dislike, and mainly that he was banging someone to whom he wasn't married.  Because he was an adulterer (as was the late Diana, don't forget that!) people think the reins should be handed to William.  Look.  As far as I know, the line of succession goes to the Prince of Wales, which is CHARLES, and by law he's next in line.  It's really silly to deny someone their birthright because they had sex with another consenting adult.  Worry about your own sex lives, not that of Prince Charles.  I am very annoyed that I have just typed a paragraph concerning the sex life of the next in line to the British throne.  I might have to go on eBay and bid on a life.

4.  That fucking APIA ad.  You know the one: it's a bunch of older people singing some insipid, flavourless, anodyne song that goes along the lines of, 'I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger....' It's the most annoying jingle since that supermarket one where some bloke that sounded like a jackal shrieked, 'Where d'ya geddit?'  Remember that?  Yes?  I apologist for reminding you.  Anyway, back to the APIA ad.  When it comes on, the bulk of my day is ruined because it runs around my head like some torturous loop.  You could extract information from captured spies with this shitty song.  They will hand over the plans and names just to make it STOP!  I have been so tempted to bash myself over the skull with a hammer to make it just go away.

5.  Whoever it was who photographed someone enjoying an avocado and cheese platter at an AFL game, and plastered it on social media, sparking some debate about whether or not it is 'unaustralian' to not have a pie with sauce.  Whoever did this, you're a dick and should think about your life choices.  Can't a person have a frigging chuck of avocado in peace without everybody analysing his motives?  Far out!  I occasionally prepare myself smoothies containing almond milk and chia seeds - does this make me some kind of pinko commie?  Come and look at my bookshelf: it is groaning under the weight of Stephen King novels, and some unsold copies of my third novel 'Silver Studs & Sabre Teeth', but you won't find a copy of Marx's and Engels' manifesto there.  And if you did?  So what?  My house; I'll read what I like.

6.  Speaking of reading, my Year 10 son is reading To Kill A Mockingbird in English this year.  This in itself is not annoying me.  Au contraire, I am delighted and I am hoping he too will fall in love the beautiful narrative, the plethora of amazing characters woven into the tapestry created by Harper Lee, and the sad, dark themes.  Yeah, anybody who knows me this is one of my top three favourite novels.  I'm trying to discuss the book with my son, but he's at that Grunt-At-The-Parents phase, and is more a mathematician than an English lit type.  I tried to get him to speak to me when his class did MacBeth, telling him this is my favourite Shakespearean work and I studied it at both school and university.  No soap.  So what's annoying me?  He said when the class was due to commence, 'Mum, do you still have your copy of To Kill A Mockingbird?' I confirmed I did indeed hold my much loved and shabby copy, that I suspect originally belonged to my own mother.   I asked why he wanted to know.  He told me the school does not have enough copies for the students.  I'm not sure how to say this, or am I just being naïve when I wonder could the Government maybe throw a bit of funding toward schools so they will have sufficient number of English texts.  Perhaps some of that $122 million on the postal vote for same sex marriage (that is NOT legally binding anyway) could have maybe gone to schools?  And hospitals?  And domestic violence shelters?  Just a thought....