Friday, 15 July 2016

To (Shower) Cap It All....

As the school holidays draw to a close (the boys go back on Tuesday because Monday is pupil-free), I sit at the computer hanging out for them to be gone so I can hear myself THINK, and I'm also fearing I look like a flip with this shower cap on my head.  You're probably wracking your brains and furrowing your brows wondering why I have a shower cap on my head, when I'm not in the shower because I am at a keyboard.  The answer is this: my 11yo has nits.  I have long flowing hair, and he constantly cuddles me.  I found another home/chemical free solution on the 'Net, and it involves a rather lot of time with a shower cap on.  First of all I applied apple cider vinegar to my son's hair, and to mine as a precaution.  When it dried, I covered our hair in coconut oil.  The science to this is the ACV loosens the adhesive that fixes the egg to the hair shaft, and the oil will suffocate and living lice.  It's also good for the hair.  So right now we are wearing matching shower caps, and look like factory process workers.  I keep thinking of the opening theme to 'Laverne & Shirley'.  This treatment will hopefully be more successful than the one that involved saturating the hair in Coca-Cola, and leaving to dry, then shampooing.  As I've mentioned previously, the latter treatment left me with a big sticky mass of what felt and smelt like cinnamon fairy floss, and bad memories of the time at a nightclub in 1984 when some deadshit emptied his rum-and-coke over my head as Billy Idol's 'Rebel Yell' blared through the speakers.

What are the rules to a parent kissing his/her child on the lips?  This question has been raised after Victoria Beckham posted a photograph of herself kissing her daughter thus.  People are losing their shit.  The world will soon be a mass of lava-like flowing brown shit, such pool visible from outer space.  Well, in answer to the question, these are my rules: if you're a parent and you and your child are comfortable with kissing on the lips, then go for it.  If you're a parent and neither you nor your child wish to kiss on the lips, then don't do it.  If you're not a direct party involved, and have issues with another parent kissing his or her child on the lips because you find it sexual, for fuck's sake have a word with yourself.  Or just boil your head.

For some reason, I have the song 'Imaginary Lovers' by Atlanta Rhythm Section in my head.  It's been stuck all day, so much was the insistence, I played it on my iPod (it's an easy listening one I don't mind too much at all).  These non-substantial romancers, it would seem, never turn you down. You can let your imagination run free with them.  You can exercise whatever fantasy you entertain in the darkest recesses of your mind with them.  I'm starting to wonder were these guys singing about blow-up dolls.

To the former Penthouse Pet who photographed a woman at a gym and shared the image minus consent, and body-shamed: you, Madam, are a vacuous moron with the depth of a teaspoon.  We can't all have 'perfect' bodies.  Mine used to be 'perfect' (to be honest, it's actually not that bad now). Yes, I have made disparaging remarks about others' bodies.  Privately. What I don't do is carry out activities that are likely to humiliate the person.  Hell, I don't even make rude remarks in front of my children when I see overweight persons because I don't want my children to think it's all right to behave thus.  Believe me, where I live, there are overweight persons EVERYWHERE.   If I make a disparaging remarks about a corpulent creature who is likely clad in leggings (ye gods!) on this blog, I will not name that person.  Number (1): I probably wouldn't know the person's name, and Number (2): I don't want this person to track me down and sit on me.

 

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