Saturday, 29 March 2014

Arise, Dame Bingells!

The women's magazines would have us believe Gwyneth Paltrow is an ethereal creature blessed with talents in abundance: she acts, she sings, she runs a website, she can cure snakebite...  Oh okay, that last one was me being sarcastic, I will admit it.  If you want to deal with snakebite, apply the pressure immobilisation technique and then get help.  Fast.  But to be honest, aside from Madonna, there is not a woman alive who aggravates me like GP does.  She always has this insipid expression on her face, and my guess is it's due to the diet that would make even the most committed vegan head off to the McDonalds drive-thru.  Hey, one of my oldest friends is vegan, but she looks healthy.  GP just looks like the product of her own oh-so-easy to follow recipes, those recipes assuming we have time to browse the grocery aisle for olive oil infused quinoa (and of course the olives must be grown by Basque separatists and fertilised with the dung of a free range cow that has never been serviced by a randy bull, and then then hand-harvested by Carmelite nuns).  I think her recipe for chick pea soup went something like: Take one pot of boiling water, then add ten chick peas.   Mmmmmm, yummy!  Again, that last sentence was a tad sarcastic.  Water and chick peas does not a soup maketh.  If this is indicative of the woman's diet, then she must fart like a bloody Clydesdale.  Also, she's so scrawny, if she did fart the effort would send her crashing to the ground.  Aside from this questionable anthology of recipes, she scored herself an undeserved Oscar, and stood there blubbing and snivelling in an unflattering dress that made her look like the skeleton in the science lab at my old high school.  Anyway, now the magazines and social media are going into meltdown at her marriage breakup.  Don't get me wrong, she actually has my sympathy over this.  But I will admit to doing a bit of an eye-roll at her statement with the phrase 'conscious uncoupling'.  Really?  What is this?  I think I might have engaged in such activity on a Con Tiki holiday some 25-plus years ago.  Oh hang on, that might have been unconscious coupling.  But I am one of those people that is not enamoured by Gwynnie's burblings, and am surprised she and that dude from Coldplay split; they seemed to be well suited as they are a bookend-matching pair of milquetoasts. 


Tony Abbott, what are you blathering on about now, with this talk of reintroducing knighthoods to Australia?  Is this your red herring given the other issues facing Aussies that are seriously more important than some anachronistic title?  To be honest, in principle I don't mind people receiving the accolade for outstanding achievements.  But this being Australia, I deeply fear we will hear the future King Charles or King William say, 'Arise, Sir Shane Warne'.  If we MUST give out this title, I'm nominating Dr Elizabeth Hamlin for her work on fistula-suffering women in Ethiopia, or to Dr Fiona Wood for her achievements in treating burns victims.  Posthumously, I'd like to nominate Dr Victor Chang, Professor Fred Hollows, or Weary Dunlop.  My nominees have something in common.  Not are they only NOT overrated and overpaid sportspeople, they are people who have actually done something spectacularly good for mankind.  I am now wondering is it at all possible I will one day genuflect on the carpet at Buck Pal (all the while swooning at that soft plush shag pile under my old kneecap), feel the sword pat my shoulders, and hear the king (whoever he is) say, 'Arise, Dame Simone Bailey'?  Or Dame Bingells has a nice ring to it.


Oh, and Tony, take your boasting and skiting about the dearth of refugee-laden boats of late, and shove it up your arse.  If you run out of room, give the excess to Scott Morrison.


Okay, here's the link to my latest book.  You can read the first chapter, and check out the shopping trolley icon (*cough* buy it *cough*).  It's adult satire, and it's called 'Silver Studs and Sabre Teeth' (a reference to 'Metal Guru' by T-Rex), and it's right here: http://www.zeus-publications.com/silver_studs_and_sabre_teeth.htm 

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