I will crouch like a vulture and admit I don't mind some Seventies pure cheese. There are times when I feel I should confess to a priest some of the cheese I like. For some reason, the other day I got to thinking about the good old Pacific Princess - yes, 'The Love Boat'. It was kitch. It was twee. It was as daggy as an unattended sheep's butt. But I used to watch it. Mainly to see who the guest stars were going to be. This show as a great platform for actors whose stars were on the wane. Seriously, did Ron Pallilo get much work outside 'Welcome Back, Kotter'?
But this show did have its bad points, aside from the cheesy qualities. Often, one would have to check credibility and belief at the door before a viewing. Here's why.
1. The ep with Sonny Bono as a hardened, heavy metal type rocker. C'mon, why did the producers think we'd believe this? Bono is no Marlon Brando. I actually decided to You Tube it, and see if I could locate footage. I did. It was just as awful - no, MORE awful than I remembered. He played someone called Deacon Dark, and came on stage in Kiss type make up (more Eric Carr than Gene Simmons), with flaming torches on stage, and sang (hah!) some truly godawful song called 'Smash It'. The lyrics went something like 'Smash it/Crash it/Hit it with a hammer and bash it'. From memory, the character falls in love with a deaf girl (oh, WHY do I know this?). Not surprising. No hearing person could stand to be subjected to his nasally, adenoidal singing. This awful clip is probably used to 'cure' teenagers whose parents are worried about their heavy metal tastes, like the aversion therapy in 'A Clockwork Orange'.
2. Doc Bricker. Why was this guy allowed to practise? He sleazed and slimed and slutted his way around every deck of that cruise liner. Truly, if a patient presented with a sprained ankle, he'd have her undress. This guy should have been struck off the medical register.
3. The episodes set in Australia. Warning: if a US dram-edy has a special suffixed with the words 'Down Under' - RUN! And memo to all American screen writers - most Australians do not pepper every day speech with rhyming slang as every second phrase and idiom, okay?
4. Billy Crystal as The Kissing Bandit. This shy bloke would get dressed up in a mask and cape, Zorro-style, and kiss unsuspecting women. The women were thrilled, and some were waiting on the moonlit deck in gowns and applying perfume waiting for a smooch from this Lothario. I'm calling total BS on this - most women would have reported him, and kicked his nuts up into his throat if practicable.
I don't know whether to conclude with this as point 5, or as something I think is worth commenting on. It is icky to think about now, and I doubt it would be filmed now. There was an episode where Gopher hit on what he perceived to be an attractive young woman. This enchanting creature was a 13yo on holiday with her dad, dressing up with older clothes and experimenting with make-up. This was at a time when it was de rigeur for fashion houses to use teenagers painted up to look older in the fashion shoots, as the teenagers probably had unlined complexions (until acne hit and rendered them useless). Nowadays they use air brushing and this is a different can of worms. I guess the producers thought it would make a good story line. It made for a rather uncomfortable one, that was for sure.
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