Article of Memoranda

Memo to: Australian tabloid television media:
From: Me
Re: Shappelle Corby.
Please stop labouring under the misapprehension that we are all agog and sitting on the edges of our seats, fingernails tearing the fabric of the lounge, as we are regaled with each and every aspect of the minutiae of her return to Australia from Bali.  We are simply just  not.  This woman's return is not orgasm-inducing.  Far from it.  She has done her time as duly (*cough*) imposed by a court in Indonesia.  It's over.  It's not interesting.  It was all over a bunch of weed.  Furthermore, the hounding and chasing of her, as you scramble over yourselves to report the car pulled in at the Shell servo for fuel, and the driver paid via paywave before emerging from the building with a packet of Allen's Party Mix and two litres of milk, then pulled into traffic behind a Volvo from which the sounds of Roger Whitaker could be heard, and then just beat the red light as it turned into a side street, is OF NO IMPORTANCE AND NOT IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST!!! As I mentioned, she has done her time and is entitled to be left alone. This cannot be good for her mental health.  She does not deserve this absurd scrutiny and it assists nobody.  Again, it's over and it was all about a bunch of weed.

Memo to: Margaret Court
From: Me
Re: Your comments re Qantas.
Why did you write a letter to a public newspaper announcing you would no longer fly the airline over their support of same sex marriage?  Did you expect homophobic comments to not attract negative attention? If you have an issue with same sex marriage (or as I like to think, human rights), then why not just book a ticket on an alternative airline and keep your mouth shut?  Some would suggest you fly on your broom instead.  I actually support your right to have your view, but I think your view is offensive.  Not expecting a backlash would be naïve in the extreme, and you might be exercising hindsight, which as we all know is 20/20.  I recently learned that youth suicide is very high in marginalised sectors such as the LGBTI teenagers, and I don't think the attitude that denies them a right hetero counterparts enjoy, thus making them feel like second-rate citizens, is of much assistance.  By the way, that thing you used to do whereby you were a champion sportswoman in your field?  I don't give a fuck; I suck at most sports and don't care about them, and that includes tennis.

Memo to: Public calling for the renaming of Margaret Court Arena
From: Me
Re: Renaming of Margaret Court Arena
Why?  Oh, I know.  She's made some comments that are by and large unpopular.  If you read my memo above, you will see that I actually think her stance is an offensive one, too.  BUT - and here I am playing Devil's Advocate - should the arena be renamed just because someone has made an unpopular, and somewhat offensive, comment?  If she had called for public stoning of homosexuals, I could understand the arena being renamed.  However, the funny and pesky thing about free speech is this: you will occasionally be subjected to an opinion with which you don't agree.  She was entitled to her opinion, and the arena was named for her formidable sporting prowess and achievement, NOT her politics.  We can't go to the expense and drama of renaming things every time someone says something dumb-arsed, can we?  To rename the arena is kind of like rewriting history.  Furthermore, Tennis Australia and the management of the arena have stated they don't support the Reverend's (yeah, she's a sky pilot now) views, so why make this needless fuss?  Just keep enjoying the arena for what it is: a venue where tennis matches are played, and concerts are staged.  I will take this opportunity to point out what I said above, being I don't give a fuck about tennis.  I do care about knee-jerk reactions.

Memo to: Peter Dutton
From: Me
Re: Your dream of purging the ABC
Poor diddums.  Did the ABC hurt-ums feel-wings, did they?   There, there, you poor pet.  Here's a tissue, I'll hold it over your nose and you give a great big blow.  Actually, listening to the crap coming out your mouth is bad enough; I don't want to be holding a snot-cloth over your snout when you expel your toxic nasal mucus into it.  Eeeeeuuuuuwww.   Anyway, so it's 'one down, many to go' following the axing of the program featuring Yassmin Abdel-Mageid, is it?  You want to 'purge the ABC', do you?  How about a purging of the clowns in Parliament?  You'd be among that wave of fools washing out, that's for sure.  I thought Yassmin's Anzac Day tweet was ill-conceived, too, but the way you jizzed your jocks over the show's axing to your boor-in-solidarity Ray Hadley was nausea inducing.  You're a gloating prick and the way you  treat refugees is nothing short of a disgrace.  Oh, and what have you got again the Fairfax media?  Is it because they're not fawning over the Liberal party like the toads at News Corpse, whoops, Corps?

Memo to: 2017
From: Me
Re: Scalps you've claimed
Okay, you've taken Gregg Allman.  Please don't be a greedy fuck like 2016.  Just settle for Gregg Allman, okay?  RIP, Gregg.  Lord, you were born a ramblin' man.

Memo to: My oldest son.
From: Me
Re: Happy birthday
Sixteen years ago my life changed irrevocably when the midwife placed you on my chest, and you looked up at me with huge, inquisitive, and somewhat indignant eyes as if you were saying, 'What was THAT all about?'  I felt a surge of joy, relief, happiness, and protectiveness.  Also recognition, a kind of  'so THAT'S what you look like!'  I circled my arm around your warm, vernix coated body (you were a few weeks early) and said, 'Hello!', before placing a kiss on the head that was covered with matted black hair.  Today you're playing Xbox games and gorging on chips, pizza, and soft drink with two of your mates, and hoping your mum stays well in the background and doesn't cramp your style.  As I said, my life changed irrevocably, but I can tell you I wouldn't revoke it for quids!