Okay, I guess I'll weigh in on what appears to have taken over the world today. It is news that has world leaders gathering in an unprecedented and extraordinary conference, so extraordinary and important that Donald Trump hasn't even tweeted about it being 'fake news' yet (he's still trying to grasp the explanatory diagram one of his flunkies has organised for him, when he's not scribbling eyes and a mouth on it with his crayons). Ban Ki-Moon has been pleading for everyone to remain calm. Stock brokers and chalkies are hardened balls of tension as they chew on their fingernails, clenching their buttocks and feeling their testicles ascending into their stomachs, as they watch the screens and follow the market, fearing this major drama will have the Nasdaq plummeting like a rooted elevator. Astronomers and astrophysicists, and astronomers are putting aside their surface differences to study constellations and planetary ellipses, to ascertain whether the event of this magnitude has caused any skews in the alignments. Around the hallowed halls of Price Cooper Waterhouse, the entity entrusted with this Holy Grail like secret, the heads are rolling along the floor like Jaffas down the aisle of a cinema.
I was about to type 'Why, you ask?' I know that I don't have to type that because you all know what I'm getting at. But I am about to remind you, and the news will hit like a fresh tsunami wave of shock and sheer abject disbelief, and some appalled horror. There might be a bit of minor irritation there, too.
Yes, in a moment of bizarre brain-fartedness, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway - and I'm guessing their appearance was a homage to their iconic roles of Bonnie and Clyde, or maybe a sneak preview of their upcoming roles of Plastic Man and the Corpse Bride - were given the wrong envelope, such action causing Faye to croak out 'La-La Land' instead of 'Moonlight' when announcing the Best Picture for the 2017 Oscars. Anyway, you probably all know that the relevant representatives of 'La La Land' took to the stage and began thanking everyone from the producers and directors, right down to the midwife who orchestrated their delivery at birth, and the pomp and ceremony had to be aborted by some floor manager who provided the correct information. The award was then duly handed to the appropriate recipients. That's all. Nothing to see here, folks. Move on.
But people seem determined to turn what's really just a small clerical error into the greatest scandal of our lifetime. I'm going to type this very slowly for everyone: It's. Not. That. Important. And. The. World. Hasn't. Spun. Off. Its. Axis. And. Disintegrated.
It's just so inconsequential, what has happened. Calm down, everyone.
And it's not even the biggest screw up in Oscars history. I still get squinty-eyed when I wonder how on earth the Academy could award Best Picture to the nausea-inducing, mawkish pabulum that was 'Forrest Gump' over the cinematic brilliance of 'Pulp Fiction'. Seriously, Academy, were you all sucking on a crack pipe when voting that year?
But it didn't stop me cracking a silly joke on my Facebook page that Beatty and Dunaway should wear their reading glasses in future. To my surprise, a complete random with whom I have never had any interaction left a snippy comment on my post about it being neither Beatty's nor Dunaway's fault, and that perhaps I should wear my reading glasses. I do. When I read. But who the fuck takes the time to read a complete stranger's page and leave a dumb comment because they're offended by a flippant remark? If you're reading this, hapless twerp, did you do a Facebook search to see who's commented about this? Why? And why be offended by me? When next on eBay, you might try bidding on a life.
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