Years ago, I toyed with the idea of undertaking a Diploma of Law. I collected the appropriate paperwork, and actually wrote my name on it. I then experienced an epiphany of Damascene proportions that brought me to the realisation I didn't actually want to be a lawyer. Now, those of you who have read the author bio in my latest novel 'Silver Studs and Sabre Teeth' would know this. Those of you who are interested should click on this link and check out blurb, bio, and first chapter: http://www.zeus-publications.com/silver_studs_and_sabre_teeth.htm. Those of you who are interested in helping me remain solvent should purchase a copy, either as e-book or in paperback. Pleeeze!!! A lawyer is often a mouthpiece, an advocate if you will. Now, what's got me thinking about the time I pondered qualifying in this industry some twenty-ish years ago is what I am about to do. I am about to play Devil's Advocate. Old Mr Splitfoot probably has quite a plethora of counsel on retainer so doesn't need me as well, but there has been something on my mind for the past few days, and it cropped up when I heard Dutton's minions had informed Chris Brown of their intention to deny him a visa based on his nefarious character. In 2009, he assaulted his then girlfriend Rhianna. Rhianna is responsible for one of the most odious tunes in the last ten years: 'Umbrella'. You know the one, or have blotted it out from your memory. It is delivered in a bleating tone and goes something like, 'Under my um-ber-ella, ella, ella, ella. Eh-eh-eh'. Oh, truly! This shit tune does not justify a beating, however.
Anyhoo, since then, Chris Brown has served a sentence duly imposed by a court of law, and it is my understanding he has actually toured Australia twice. So, I cannot see the point in banning him now. Does this hint at bandwagon-riding and censorship, ladies and gentlemen of the jury? Don't get me wrong, I think he's a complete prick for doing what he did. His music interests me less than an out-of-date packet of powdered milk, and if he was performing in my backyard, I would get up and close the curtain. No I wouldn't, I'd spray him with the hose and set my dog onto him for coming into my backyard in the first place. But yeah, I think banning him seems like self-aggrandisement on the part of the Turnbull government, particularly when Black Sabbath are going to tour soon. In 1984, Ozzy Osbourne got himself into what is often called 'an alcohol-fuelled rage', and tried to kill his wife. Dunno about you lot, but I reckon this kind of falls under the umbrella (not the loathsome one Rhianna sings about) of domestic violence, as well.
Yes, you know me. Given a choice, I will see Black Sabbath over Chris Brown any day. I've got a bit of a soft spot for Sabbath. Also, I live in a neighbouring town to Singleton. There is a plague of bats in a local park, and it has been the bane of citizens for years. I suggest the promoters stage a concert in one of the local wineries (yes, I know sitting on a lush, well-maintained expanse of green and eating camembert-on-crackers and sipping the local Chablis doesn't exactly scream rock-and-roll and Prince of Darkness, but stay with me; I'm going somewhere with this), after which Ozzy is to be escorted to Burdekin Park. He will be informed it is an all-you-can-eat buffet, and Hey, Presto! The bat population will be substantially depleted.
Speaking of the Government, today I received a letter confirming my re-appointment as a Justice of the Peace. I have held this position for many years, around the same time I considered becoming a lawyer, actually. Because I was working in law, I decided to apply for the JP-hood to make myself more employable, and I still use my qualification to notarise documents in my local community. If you're reading this, you're probably wondering why you should give a shit if I've been re-appointed. You don't have to. What I'm about to say is this: the letter I received featured grammatical errors. An 'is' where there should have been an 'are'. The references to the JP handbook were capitalised, and I am quite certain in this instance 'handbook' is not a proper noun. I am tempted to write to the State Attorney-General about this unspeakable foolery. That being said, I will still purchase an up-to-date copy of the handbook (with a lower case 'h') to appraise myself of any new procedures.
My final note is a warning. Don't get cranky when mashing tuber vegetables. I got rather irritated tonight whilst mashing some kumera, and slammed my masher into the orange goo, thus sending hot flecks of our dinner spraying into my face and over my wrist. I swore like a startled sailor, and ran to the sink to splashed cold water over my face and eyes. I'm sure I will be fine, and hopefully when I update my blog photograph I will still resemble Kate Bush (other people's observations, not some vain self-serving wankery on my part, okay?), and not Freddie Kruger.
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