If I have a theme for my posts of late, it would appear to be one of 'virginity'. The other day, I complained about puke-making comments made by Tony Abbott when he was still Opposition Leader. Today, I read that the principal of the Islamic Schools of Victoria is refusing to allow girls to participate in running because they might lose their virginity. No, I didn't bloody type that wrong. Seriously, man, have you been sucking a crack pipe?
I'm assuming you're someone afeared vigorous activity might rupture a hymen? Why do you fucking care? Really, I want to know. Do you equate a perforated hymen with sex? Most of us equate the loss of virginity with first-time penile/vaginal penetration. It must be pretty hard to achieve this whilst sprinting along in your age race. I've never tried it, but I imagine the logistic difficulties must be legion. I didn't lose my virginity participating in sport. I didn't enjoy participating in sport. I wasn't a robust and enthusiastic competitor in sport. I would duck with my hands arms over my head when the volley ball would trace its hyperbola trajectory my way (clearly I listened in Maths occasionally, and I plan on retiring on my good looks). I was the kid who threw the basketball in from behind the goal, and it punctured on the screw sticking out the back of the board, hit the court with an onomatopoeic blap and let out an asthmatic wheeze (clearly I also listened in English). I was the kid who executed a diabolical vault over the horse in gymnastics, and landed on the bloody thing in a belly-flop, thus winding myself. I was the kid who fell face-first in the sack race. I was the kid who fell face first in any type of gymnastic balancing manoeuvre. I was the kid who fell flat on my date after executing too much momentum when kicking a soccer ball. But let me tell you, in all my clumsy carryings-on, landing on my face or my belly or my bum: what I didn't fall on was an erect dick, okay? So stop worrying and let the girls participate in sport, because next thing you know you'll be whinging how they're not marriage material because they're so bloody fat.
Okay, who's seen the ads for the Channel 9 show about couples getting married on first sight, having never met, and after having been matched by psychiatric types. I'm thinking the producers didn't consult with Dexter from 'Perfect Match', nor were any astrologers called in. I'm not going to watch it. It sounds like shit to me. But that is my choice. And yeah, I do find it offensive that these strangers can ostensibly participate in a marriage ceremony, whilst loving, long-term same-sex couples in this country are denied such a right. Anyway, I've seen another petition seeking Channel 9 to cancel its proposed airing of the show because it's 'immoral' and 'makes a mockery of marriage'. Here's the thing, peeps: the participants in this show are presumably adults who have made their own choice. You can make yours: don't watch it if you don't like it. Now, I want you to cast your ocular organs back a few sentences and re-read something. I have used the word 'ostensibly', as in 'ostensibly participate in a marriage ceremony'. The reason I have used this word is because I'm pretty confident these people will not be legally married, as it is law that people intending to marry have to lodge a Notice of Intention to Marry one month plus one day prior to the proposed ceremonial date. Apparently they will sign some form of commitment contract, which can be voided a certain time post-ceremony. Or they can legally marry if they so wish.
But think about it. Would you willingly just marry someone you haven't previously met? No, you wouldn't. And you know why, don't you? Yes, there is an elephant in the room, and I am going to address it: you don't want to end up lumbered with a dud root.
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